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It's astounding what love can do to a city

So as expected, today I've landed squarely in depression. I sat up until about 3:00 am last night, writing in my journal, drinking and smoking. My mind was going to some places where I don't really like to let it roam too often ... thoughts about me, burning questions like "what's wrong with me?" and "am I fundamentally unlovable?", thoughts of suicide, thoughts of being forgotten -- and of being invisible already. All in all, not a happy place to be. And I thought about that quote from the Veruca Salt song Disconnected: "It's astounding what love can do to a city." I thought about how that line rattled around in my head as he drove us home from the beer distributor on Saturday night, how I looked at the streets and the houses and everything seemed to be painted with some stroke of magic, and about how now the city looks to me the way it usually looks: grey and colorless, vacant and empty. Like so many rats, just searching for survival. I also thought about Katharine Hepburn, telling Jimmy Stewart that she thought all writers "drank to excess and beat their wives," and I wondered if I needed this constant stream of tragedy and disappointment to fuel my writing, meager though it is. Tell me, was I half as interesting to read when I was happy? Or are you glad to have my adjective-laden depression posts back again?

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
ratphooey
Apr. 14th, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
I like you much better when you are happy.
hopita
Apr. 15th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC)
Yea, me too. Tonight at work I found myself really missing the hopita who used to sing and dance to all of the silly piped-in music and who used to be witty and energetic with the customers. I still didn't have it in me to actually do that, mind you, but I found myself wishing that I could.
ratphooey
Apr. 15th, 2005 01:51 pm (UTC)
Ironically, it is at precisely the times when it's hardest to do those things that we most need them.

But it's good that you wanted to.
saucalisha
Apr. 14th, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
I found myself clicking and randomly came to your journal...

I understand being depressed...and I have no advise and nothing incredibly insightful to say...but, you're not alone and I'm willing to listen, anytime.

Do you mind if I add you?
hopita
Apr. 15th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC)
Sure, welcome.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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