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Anticipation ...

So today is it: the day I try to quit smoking again. Needless to say, I'm tense and pensive and a whole bunch of other adjectives. So many friends have quit lately -- Trix, David, Jill, Joe ... _aqualung_ recently celebrated his one year anniversary as a non-smoker. And it's great, and I'm trying to use it as inspiration, but oh ... so once I go to bed, that's it. Finito. Wake up and be done with it. Miss Prissy Pants has invited me over tomorrow night to bake brownies, and I'm hoping that provides a worthwhile distraction, though I'm also worried because he smokes. I plan to give him my leftover cigarettes, if nothing else.

It's making me think of the last time I quit -- fall 2003. I remember n0thingman taking me out bowling as a form of distraction. I remember that H.W.S.R.N. and I had our huge falling out about one week into it (and over my LiveJournal, no less). My falling out with lurpy followed soon after. I remember the death of Molly, the last of my rats. I don't know if it was those factors, or the withdrawal, or both that made me such an emotional mess. And yet somehow I stayed not smoking through all of that, through months of agony, until the deaths ... of Bob, and of my Grandmother. And then I let those things serve as an excuse, and it opened the door ... sent me sliding down that hill, and got me back to where I am now.

I'm scared. Totally fucking scared. Like I told unixd0rk, I know I can do it, it's just that I don't know if I can do it, you know?

Fuck. I'm gonna give sleeping another try.


Mar. 23rd, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC)
Best of luck
It was reading your posts when you quit before that motivated me to quit, btw. I remember sitting in Quiet Storm catching up, and thinking how great it was that you quit, and that I *could* too. A LOT of people tried to get me to quit: my wife, my mother-in-law, my late father-in-law, my kids... Every time I gave quiting serious thought, life stress got in the way, but I did it. It's been 13 months and counting. I still have a ways to go in getting back into shape, but I can do it with clean(er) lungs.
Mar. 27th, 2005 09:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Best of luck
I will definitely say that seeing you with more than a year clean is now doing the same thing for me ... reminding me that it is possible.
Mar. 28th, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)
Re: Best of luck
I'm more than glad to return the favor.

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