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Anticipation ...

So today is it: the day I try to quit smoking again. Needless to say, I'm tense and pensive and a whole bunch of other adjectives. So many friends have quit lately -- Trix, David, Jill, Joe ... _aqualung_ recently celebrated his one year anniversary as a non-smoker. And it's great, and I'm trying to use it as inspiration, but oh ... so once I go to bed, that's it. Finito. Wake up and be done with it. Miss Prissy Pants has invited me over tomorrow night to bake brownies, and I'm hoping that provides a worthwhile distraction, though I'm also worried because he smokes. I plan to give him my leftover cigarettes, if nothing else.

It's making me think of the last time I quit -- fall 2003. I remember n0thingman taking me out bowling as a form of distraction. I remember that H.W.S.R.N. and I had our huge falling out about one week into it (and over my LiveJournal, no less). My falling out with lurpy followed soon after. I remember the death of Molly, the last of my rats. I don't know if it was those factors, or the withdrawal, or both that made me such an emotional mess. And yet somehow I stayed not smoking through all of that, through months of agony, until the deaths ... of Bob, and of my Grandmother. And then I let those things serve as an excuse, and it opened the door ... sent me sliding down that hill, and got me back to where I am now.

I'm scared. Totally fucking scared. Like I told unixd0rk, I know I can do it, it's just that I don't know if I can do it, you know?

Fuck. I'm gonna give sleeping another try.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
suewan
Mar. 22nd, 2005 09:44 am (UTC)
Best of luck, Hope. I quit smoking years ago, but I must admit, I had a few stops and starts along the way. In the end, I just quit cold turkey. I did it mainly because I was sick of my money disappearing up in smoke. Now, I'm so intolerant of smoke, I can't even stand to stand next to someone smoking, it bugs me that much! So, no, I honestly say I don't get any craving at all. Any hints? Not really...I just found something else to do when I was having a craving, real quick! I think I read an awful lot and sleep a lot, too.
_aqualung_
Mar. 23rd, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC)
It's been a little over 13 months for me. I never realized how putrifying cigarette smoke is until I quit. Now whenever one of my coworkers returns from a smoke break, I can't help thinking, "did I really smell that bad?"
ericaceous
Mar. 22nd, 2005 12:28 pm (UTC)
It took me 5 trys to quit smoking, and I hadn't even been smoking very much or very long, in the grand sceme of smokers. You CAN do it, and if it takes a few more trys, that is totally normal. Average is about 5-6 attempts.
lurpy
Mar. 22nd, 2005 01:42 pm (UTC)
I just read your journal entry the other day about the ungrateful random guy that you gave a carton of cigarettes to and the questionable stain on your pants that required a "special load". :) That was during your last attempt. YES! You can do it. You were doing so well last time! Just remember... it's going to be a good year so it will be even easier this time. Good luck!
hopita
Mar. 27th, 2005 09:32 pm (UTC)
What the heck -- for anyone out there who may've missed it, here's a reminder of why I'm a skanky ho.
_aqualung_
Mar. 23rd, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC)
Best of luck
It was reading your posts when you quit before that motivated me to quit, btw. I remember sitting in Quiet Storm catching up, and thinking how great it was that you quit, and that I *could* too. A LOT of people tried to get me to quit: my wife, my mother-in-law, my late father-in-law, my kids... Every time I gave quiting serious thought, life stress got in the way, but I did it. It's been 13 months and counting. I still have a ways to go in getting back into shape, but I can do it with clean(er) lungs.
hopita
Mar. 27th, 2005 09:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Best of luck
I will definitely say that seeing you with more than a year clean is now doing the same thing for me ... reminding me that it is possible.
_aqualung_
Mar. 28th, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)
Re: Best of luck
I'm more than glad to return the favor.

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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