Today was draining. I started out with a two hour meeting about our new Employee Handbook. The whole thing has "CONFIDENTIAL" stamped all the fuck over it, so I can't even really gripe about it like I'd like to. Suffice it to say, when I finally got a goddamn motherfucking break, I sent text messages to n0thingman and unixd0rk complaining that we're getting fucked.
That, plus the fact that sitting there reading the damn thing just plain froze my brain out of my head ... it took hours (and a fistful of Advil) to feel coherent enough for conversation again.
Then there's H.W.S.R.N. No, I didn't see him ... I haven't seen him in months, as a matter of fact. But somehow people kept bringing his name up to me today. First, Shingo dropped by, which was an amazing little piece of coincidence, as I'd just put something in my bag this morning to give to him. He was saying that H.W.S.R.N. had dropped by his store last week, and that he (Shingo) had mentioned meeting me. Apparently H.W.S.R.N. didn't have much to say on the subject. Imagine that.
Then, later, Lillara and I were talking about the Antioch gathering that Tavia and I are working on putting together. Lillara was asking why I didn't think H.W.S.R.N. would show, and I told her honestly: because he knew I'd be there. And she asked what happened, and again I surprised myself by just telling the truth: something along the lines of that the theory was that if we stopped sleeping together, then we could be friends again, but that apparently that's not the case.
No emotion. Nothing to prove. Just telling her that that's why he's gone. It was odd.
I was telling unixd0rk a little bit earlier about how my life has changed since H.W.S.R.N. has disappeared. How sad I used to be, all of the fucking time, and how now so much of that seems to have been tied into being a part of his little theater of self-destruction. Hell -- I even told him (H.W.S.R.N.) when I first started working at The Co-op that I was having a hard time reconciling the way I felt at work (happy, competent, social, chatty) with the way I felt around him (depressed, suicidal, incompetent).
And now he's gone and that drain on my soul has been lifted. And how fucking crappy is that? How much does it suck to love someone -- and fuck that relationship thing, or whatever the hell it was -- I'm just talking about loving him as a human, as H.W.S.R.N., no matter what my relationship to him is -- how bad does it suck to love someone who just brings you down with him?
Blargh. Have I said that already? Yea, blargh.