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The post I made about Daryk the other day got me thinking about that time in my life, so last night, I sat up until 2:30 in the morning reading my journal from then. I started with the entry from the day we met, and read clean through til the end of the notebook. Tonight I might pick up the next notebook, although I'm somewhat hesitant ... The things that I wrote were very intense ... The relationship with Daryk was very intense. bishopjoey and germane will no doubt remember a lot of the reasons why, as I was in close contact with both of them during that time. Some other people -- and n0thingman in particular -- have heard about what happened after the fact, but I think my retellings probably leave out a lot. Reading that journal, I was in such turmoil, I was so conflicted -- as, for that matter, was Daryk, albeit for different reasons.

I suppose this post will make little sense to most people, and I'm not really feeling comfortable enough with this format to explicitly explain just what was at the core of the conflict. I will, however, share that the end of that relationship was pretty much the beginning of my using heroin (it wasn't just the breakup -- I was also mugged and in an accident right at that same time, but yes, the breakup was the main source of my depression).

Instead I'll share some random things I wrote that remind me of how I felt in those moments, but without delving into specifics:

"5/8/95, 9:51 A
"...How this ever came to be, like Katharine Hepburn's Christmas, like nights of spiders & microbes & stillness, & the scent of carpet & the sound of my own breathing -- that all the world has stopped & I'm the only one left standing."


And the last sentence that I wrote in that notebook:

"6/4/95, 8:22 P
"Love -- what an odd thought to end this on."

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