Hopita (hopita) wrote,

I could stand a little pity now and then

To quote n0thingman, "ah, the joy of triggers."

I just had a very weird and unexpected fight of sorts with Hipster. The specifics have to do with him, and me, and anjeelou, and Zocks, and a stupid comment that he made to me weeks ago. I won't go into the whole thing, but the important parts are that it prompted anjeelou to send him an email calling him a jerk, and that it made me feel like he didn't remember that I was a girl.

That really rubs me the wrong way.

Yes, one look at my friends list, or my cell phone, or any aspect of my life and you'll see that most, if not all, of my friends are boys. Always have been. Since preschool and Austin, or the first grade and Brian and Brian. And I never have been much of a girl, at least not in the American sense of the word -- never a big fan of makeup, or shaving (though I did really dig the riot grrl trend -- there was something that felt just right to me about pairing a tiny little dress with a pair of combat boots). I've never given two shits about wrinkles, or grey hair, and the logic behind wearing shoes that aren't comfortable is beyond me.

Yes, I know, gender stereotypes, blah blah blah ... I'm not saying that I can't eschew all of these things and still be a girl ...

OK, so maybe I do need to explain the situation. The short version is that Hipster said "Zocks needs a girlfriend -- think anjeelou would be into him?" Now, obviously there's last weekend and all of the issues with my own feelings for Zocks, but the trigger, the thing that made me start weeping over a stupid fight we were having on MSN Messenger, was that it felt to me like he was saying "hey, you know some girls, right?" while completely missing the fact that I am a girl.

And, to his credit, he apologized, and yes, I should have said something to him when this first happened two weeks ago as opposed to letting it build up until I experienced core failure tonight.

I think I was already in a bad space. Driving home from Quiet Storm and thinking about last week with Zocks ... feeling affection-starved, like I so often do ... thinking that it's sad that the tiniest little bit of affection -- like Thursday night -- leaves me so hungry for more ... and then I get this unexpected message from Hipster when I log on and all hell breaks loose. n0thingman doesn't like him (and, apparently, neither does anjeelou).

n0thingman invited me over to his office for pizza, but this whole scene has me worn out. I think I need to call today officially over, go to bed, and hope that tomorrow brings better things.

Thoughts, anyone?
Tags: anjee, frustration, gender, hipster, identity politics, miss prissy pants, orange mike, quiet storm, sleep, soniczev, triggers

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