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Disconnected

disconnected is the way that I wanted it to be

Today was rough. Up at 7:00 to be at The Pittsburgh Film Office by 9:00. There til 1:00 and then off to job #2 at The East End Food Co-op.

And already I was distracted, wondering if that letter arrived today.

Signs were everywhere. I saw his ex-roommate yesterday (his name was not mentioned). I talked to one of his best friends today (probably our first real conversation, and again, his name was not mentioned). I even saw his namesake (who did ask after him, even though they've never met).

It all left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

and I can't playback all the times when you were gentle

The combination of distraction and exhaustion was not a good one. And by the end of the night, both were overwhelmed by a somewhat urgent sense of nausea. Nick showed himself to be the best thing on two wheels, as he gave me just enough backup and leeway to somehow survive this day intact.

And now I'm home, sweaty, stinky, queasy and sorrowful. I held such belief in the future, once upon a time. I felt such trust and safety when he said he'd never let it happen again.

and I can't leave you because you swore you'd never let me

This day needs to be over. And, once I finish this post, it will be. 7UP or ginger ale for my tummy, and a nice, warm bed to give my heart, head, and body some time to repair.

In the words of Chim Chim's mother, "why does it always have to be so hard?"

and I will kiss the gravel ...

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