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I just wrote him a letter. A letter that basically said that I don't feel like I rank as any sort of priority in his life, that I feel like in order to see him, I have to pay for the privilege, and that it all makes me feel incredibly sad, and stupid.

Is it ill-advised to mail it? Or have I been sitting on my feelings for far too long already? The correct answer is probably "yes" to both questions.

I think mainly, it just strikes me that for the past few months, all of my interactions with him leave me feeling bad, taken advantage of, duped. Why do I believe him time after time? I just really want it to be true.

It's like Daryk. Daryk and I have a basic incompatibility. And no matter how much we love each other, how well we understand each other, we can never be together, because of this incompatibility. I feel kind of the same way now. No matter how much H.W.S.R.N. means to me, no matter how great he can be when he's present, the fact is that he's not been present, and there's nothing I can do to make him be present.

Blargh. I hate this feeling.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 11th, 2005 04:57 am (UTC)
What a fucking great response.
Feb. 10th, 2005 04:44 pm (UTC)
eek.... yes, it's probably not smart to send the letter and that's exactly why if I were in your position, I would send the letter. As we all know, I'm far too outspoken sometimes. Hell, just take a look at my journal entry from 10:30 this morning. Also notice who was singing the song I was listening to at the time. ;-) At any rate, my point is that I'm probably not the best person to give this advice. I'd send it because that's just me but it probably isn't smart. And no, you haven't been sitting on your feelings for too long.

You've told him time and time again how you feel. And he's shown you time and time again what his answer is to your feelings. I hate to see you destroy yourself every time he doesn't show up for coffee or to a party or anything else. I think he's spoken without using any words and as much as you want something more to be there, he's gonna keep being that wandering spirit that he is. Stop hurting yourself... you deserve more. I think that once you accept your relationship with him for what it is, you can actually start enjoying it.
Feb. 10th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
Well, I've already put the letter in an envelope, then thought better of it and written a revised version. I leave for work in half an hour. We'll see if the second draft makes it into the mail.
Feb. 11th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
Reply part 2:

I revised the letter, then sent it, and then felt queasy for the first couple hours at work.

re: accepting our relationship for what it is: See, that's the problem. Because what it is is nonexistent. I see him as often as I see Peezy (less, actually), or any other casual acquaintance. He always professed that he was afraid that sex would hurt our friendship but hey -- at least when I was fucking him, I got to see him every once in a while.

Yes, I know I've been busy lately, but I've seen you more recently than I've seen him, I've seen n0thingman more recently than I've seen him ... heck, I've seen anarqueso more recently than I've seen him, and she lives in fucking San Francisco!

So yes, I do need to accept it for what it is -- that I'm simply no longer a part of his life. And there's nothing in that to enjoy.
Feb. 11th, 2005 07:00 am (UTC)
I'm up way too late so this will be short.

Well, if that's what your relationship amounts to, I guess it's worth facing it to end this torture you go through. It may be the exact opposite of how you wanted it all to turn out but it's time to put it to rest. There are many other much more emotionally available fish in the sea.

Other than that, I'll give you a call at some point. When did life get so busy? Didn't we both use to sit on our asses a lot?
Feb. 11th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
Did you really post that at 7:00 am? My, but that is up awfully late ...

Next week I have Friday and Saturday off. Give me a call.
Feb. 11th, 2005 03:51 pm (UTC)
No.... I posted it at 1:30 in the morning, I think. That's odd.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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