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Nobody is around and I need to talk.

Everybody's life appears to be in total shambles right now. I'm holding big secrets for one, two, now three people and counting. And in a way, it's OK -- I keep telling myself that if that's the only useful thing I can do, then goddamnit, that's what I'm gonna do.

And I was struck today by the notion that those things which people keep secret are the very things that could connect us all as humans. The shame, the embarrassment ... I feel it, I understand it, but it seems like it's just another aspect that keeps us all isolated.

I read something today:

"The outcome of a challenging or disappointing or horrifying situation depends on how you use it."

Am I using these crises to my advantage? Am I using them to find the core of myself, to find what it is I keep running away from? Or am I going to do what I always do and get drunk, get high, smoke, eat, and hide under the covers and hope that it all just goes away?


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 18th, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC)

take care
Sep. 18th, 2004 08:40 pm (UTC)
Sorry I wasn't on earlier.

Here now, though.

Are these your crises, or do you just have temporary custody?
Sep. 18th, 2004 11:00 pm (UTC)
I suppose "temporary custody" is the appropriate answer, although one of my crises du jour has to do with the way that someone is dealing with me in the aftermath of their crisis, so I'm not sure what that one qualifies as.
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:53 am (UTC)
Sep. 18th, 2004 08:55 pm (UTC)
If you need to talk... just let me know.

I hate secrets... especially when you are sworn to secrecy especially when you are like "why is THAT a secret?""

I hope things are okay or get better soon. Its been kind of icky for me lately too...

I miss seeing your posts. I got a few more pics from Reunion.. btw DID I ever send those others to yoU> MASSIVE apoligies if I didn't. I may been to get your address again...

Write me if you ever need to talk.

Hang in there!
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:39 pm (UTC)
I got all of my reunion film back -- 12 rolls. I want to post all the pictures, but it would take several new screen names on the MSN board, or else finding someone with webhosting capabilities to post them all on some other site. Truth be told, I've just plain had too much on my mind to deal with it or care.

I understand why the secrets are secrets. I just ... well, I feel like there could be real value in sharing what's going on, but that's not my decision to make. It's hard to really explain without actually explaining what's going on and, well, I can't exactly do that.
Sep. 18th, 2004 11:46 pm (UTC)
> Am I using them to find the core of myself, to find what it is I keep running away from? Or am I going to do what I always do and get drunk, get high, smoke, eat, and hide under the covers and hope that it all just goes away?

imho, numbing is about finding the core in ways. Like you pointed out about shame, the "core" is that you (a general, humankind "you") have needs. Simple as that.

I sound like a fricken' textbook...but...it's really hard to learn how to comfort oneself...to be gentle w/ oneself. I think too as a society we suck at it.

I mean try treating your emotional wounds like physical wounds or physical hunger (and the need to eat). On a cultural level there are huge $ making systems/coorporations/ways of thinking that make these three things into commodities ... so it's really going against the grain of the American way to be patient & gentlw with yourself - nothing wrong w/ crawling under the covers...but it's your thoughts & intentions that make the difference...it's like when you hurt your knee (it seems likeit was your knee or ankle) and had to use crutches...well, like it or not, things hurt & you had to slow down - but I'm betting you found ways of thinking that felt better than others...like rest, no shame in resting with a physical injury. How you think about ti is vital...are you gentle with it? change the bandage? Stay off it? Tell people not to touch it (then shoot them if they do).

I think its ironic that it's so hard to be gentle with oneself because it's about doing less & not doing more...about getting rid of those thoughts/attitudes/people/whatever that feed our shame, secrecy, self hatred (whatever)

I'm still working on the smoking too BUT I made "a record" goal - so I think it is do-able.

Anyway, hope something of that made sense.
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:45 pm (UTC)
Being gentle with myself ... this is not exactly my strong suit. It's good to be reminded of. I mean, geez ... just exactly what good is it doing to beat myself up? H.W.S.R.N. points this out to me all the time ... _ikeware just pointed this out to me last night. Apparently it's something that I need a lot of reminding about.
Sep. 19th, 2004 04:36 pm (UTC)
a friend of mine kept a big secret for me for several months (b/c I asked him to) and it almost destroyed our relationship, not to mention those with other people involved. hopefully that doesn't happen in your situation. keeping secrets sucks.
Sep. 19th, 2004 05:47 pm (UTC)
At least I've just been released from one big secret I was keeping: that of a certian friend's pregnancy. She's due in about a month and the last time I talked to her, she seemed surprised that I hadn't told anyone ("um, yeah, you told me not to..."). So now everyone knows and it's at least one burden lifted.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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