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Work Day.

I would check my emails faithfully every day at work, always eager for an email from him. It's weird to sit here, looking forward to nothing.

Rob said that all requests for travel have to be in ASAP, as he's going away for three weeks and will be making the September schedule three weeks in advance. I had been pushing aaronbenedict to schedule our September travel ASAP -- not even knowing about this, but because I knew that schedules here were being made, and I was afraid of not being able to see him for another month. I feel like part of what made him want to leave me was that pressure, though he said he really *did* want to see me again (My mind races with questions: What for? So he could break up with me face to face, in a strange city, where I knew no one and where we were sharing a hotel room and a bed? He said simply that he wanted to see me again).

People here are very nice. Lots of hugs. Dan kissed me on the cheek and told me to hide out in the office. Sprout is running interference with customers for me (he volunteered -- I didn't ask). I wonder about aaronbenedict -- he'd only told two people in his life about us. If he's in pain (I say "if" because, while he says he is, he sounded stoic and calm on the phone -- all business), who will offer him comfort? That at least makes me like my way of living better than his: my way may be messy, but at least I let people know when I need help so that they can help me.

I've already lost two friends today on facebook (though I have no clue who they were). I wonder if this will be like the unixd0rk breakup where I'll start losing people here as well. I hope not, but I also understand why people who don't know me very well wouldn't exactly want a ringside seat to watch me disintegrate.

I brought a Veruca Salt CD with me. They're my default breakup music, and have served me well over the years. aaronbenedict is a fan of theirs too. I remember very recently thinking how happy I was to find a partner who shared my love for Veruca Salt. I think I'm gonna go outside and smoke.


Aug. 31st, 2009 09:15 pm (UTC)
This isn't really the same situation, but I was dating someone about 8 years ago who seemed totally perfect to me. He was a little older than me, but I didn't have an issue with that at all. (Later, I realized he wasn't perfect for me at all.) We were planning a little weekend road trip together - I was very happy about it and made plans to take time off from the job I had. He gave me no indication that he was going to break up with me three days before our trip and seemed just as excited as I was. None whatsoever. Then, I got an email. Two lines:

I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're not right for me.

He didn't even give me a phone call. Nothing. He sent a longer email a few days later explaining that I was too young. Eventually, I agreed...but he refused to give me a phonecall.

It fucked me up for a long time.

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