Hopita (hopita) wrote,
Hopita
hopita

Awake.

I gave up on sleep.

Boxed up a few more of his things.

There are one or two things that I should probably mail to him (like the swim trunks and socks that he forgot when he was here), but I'm not ready to deal with that now.

The thing is, I'm so fucking torn. I mean, I love him. I think he's the best man I know. I love when he shows himself to me -- the good and the bad. But I hated being a secret. Hated it hated it hated it hated it. It stabbed me every time he sat across a table from me, answered his phone and said "no, I'm alone right now."

And I'm so jealous of all of my friends -- him included -- who've had the chance to get married and have kids. I so want to know what that feels like. I swear, as foolish as it sounds, I really thought he was going to marry me. Not soon, but eventually. He said it was his "ultimate goal" and I believed that. And then I realized: we were definitely talking about future marriage within the past week, only he told me yesterday that he decided weeks ago to break up with me. So now how can I believe anything he said?

My one friend thinks The High Holidays are to blame. He said aaronbenedict has to ask for forgiveness during The High Holidays for committing adultery, only he can't do that if he's still committing adultery. This is all news to me, but then again, we've already established that I'm not much of a Jew.

Me, I think it's simply the path of least resistance. He had to hurt someone, and it was easier to hurt me. If he leaves his wife, it involves a whole bunch of messy, scary things -- new place to live, telling everyone, financial crap. If he leaves me, it solves all his problems. Well, except for being miserable in his marriage. But hey -- what's being miserable every day compared with having to take scary chances?

I'm not in a very good mood. Shocking, I know.
Tags: aaronbenedict, alan, breakups, cheating, holidays, insomnia, jew, lies, love, malky, marriage, parenting, phone, secrets
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