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Awake.

I gave up on sleep.

Boxed up a few more of his things.

There are one or two things that I should probably mail to him (like the swim trunks and socks that he forgot when he was here), but I'm not ready to deal with that now.

The thing is, I'm so fucking torn. I mean, I love him. I think he's the best man I know. I love when he shows himself to me -- the good and the bad. But I hated being a secret. Hated it hated it hated it hated it. It stabbed me every time he sat across a table from me, answered his phone and said "no, I'm alone right now."

And I'm so jealous of all of my friends -- him included -- who've had the chance to get married and have kids. I so want to know what that feels like. I swear, as foolish as it sounds, I really thought he was going to marry me. Not soon, but eventually. He said it was his "ultimate goal" and I believed that. And then I realized: we were definitely talking about future marriage within the past week, only he told me yesterday that he decided weeks ago to break up with me. So now how can I believe anything he said?

My one friend thinks The High Holidays are to blame. He said aaronbenedict has to ask for forgiveness during The High Holidays for committing adultery, only he can't do that if he's still committing adultery. This is all news to me, but then again, we've already established that I'm not much of a Jew.

Me, I think it's simply the path of least resistance. He had to hurt someone, and it was easier to hurt me. If he leaves his wife, it involves a whole bunch of messy, scary things -- new place to live, telling everyone, financial crap. If he leaves me, it solves all his problems. Well, except for being miserable in his marriage. But hey -- what's being miserable every day compared with having to take scary chances?

I'm not in a very good mood. Shocking, I know.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
cheychey79
Aug. 31st, 2009 11:39 am (UTC)
Honey, all I can say is I'm very truly sorry. It was so nice to see that you were happy. I'm trying to see if you are still up because I have a few minutes before I get shuttling everyone around to work and cleveland. I know everyone has been saying this, but my heart is bleeding for you now. You are welcome to come anytime to get away from it all and have my mundane life drive you crazy
(Deleted comment)
hopita
Aug. 31st, 2009 02:40 pm (UTC)
I wasn't asking him to choose between me and his daughter. I was always very clear: I would move there, even if he did consider Pittsburgh to be "home." Because I was not about to try to split his family apart the way his mother did when he was a child (long story short: after his parents got divorced, his mother moved him and his sister to New York).

I mean, follow that thread. When, exactly, does "staying together for the kids" ever work out? Is it better for his daughter to have a depressed martyr of a father, or a happy father modeling a healthy, loving relationship?

Edited at 2009-08-31 02:41 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
hopita
Aug. 31st, 2009 04:50 pm (UTC)
I would argue that a marriage that was working could not be broken up by you, or me, or anyone else for that matter.

My mother is a child psychologist. She says that kids always want their parents to stay together, or wish that their parents would get back together, even when one of those parents was abusing the child, even when the child intellectually knows that things are better with them being apart. I would argue that what's best for a child and what a child wants are not necessarily the same thing (I realize that you're not saying that they are).

Then again, I don't have kids and you do, so what the fuck do I know. Maybe I am the bad guy for wanting him to leave (though he was talking about leaving long before he and I ever got together).
(Deleted comment)
hopita
Aug. 31st, 2009 05:42 pm (UTC)
I'm ...

Let's just chalk it up to my reading comprehension not being what it usually is.
daddysambiguity
Aug. 31st, 2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
Aww. *hug*

I know you know this, but it will be okay. There is something to be said for space. Even though you loved him, you did say you hated being a secret. I was in love with a closeted bisexual man for 4 years and he always kept me hidden away, but I stayed around hoping things would change and we could be together the way I wanted to, but it never worked out that way. Often, it won't. I was devestated when he went away, but it was actually best for me. It let me move on and I found someone I COULD be with and who I actually love more -- am more compatible with -- than I did him.

Of course, it never feels like that at any given moment. And, who knows, maybe he will come back and be with you in an honest and open way. Either way, you will be happy again. :) Either you will find love with someone who doesn't hide you from everyone -- be it him or somebody else.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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