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So I smoked. A little.

I was at Quiet Storm and I don't know what ... many thoughts in my head ... many feelings going on ... and there was a Parliament - don't ask me why, but ever since I quit, I've had a thing for Parliaments, which were NOT my old brand - and I lit it up and smoked it.

A little. I suppose I actually had about three drags before I got sick - sick to my stomach, combined with fed up with myself - which is when I put it out, went outside (January evening without my coat on ... s'ok, it fed the mania of the moment), and started making phone calls ... and fucking nobody was home! I left a message for Orange Mike, lurpy, khaosinc ... FINALLY I reached Peezy who was very confused and said "well don't do it again," at which point I just hung up on him ...

So I've come home and taken more painkillers, which is just swapping one problem for another problem, which, again, is something I have a lot of experience doing. And now I just feel like fucking yelling or throwing something ... tossing my laptop out the window ... showing my fist through the window ...

Right. I'm just angsty and aggravated and wondering why ... why. I'm so jealous of everyone. I wish I was in school or employed or just doing something that kept my mind and my body active and challenged. Instead I feel like I'm sitting on a shelf. I've been sitting on a shelf for months now. I'm never going to do anything unless my parents say I'm allowed to. I tried to move away a while back and my father put on the "you're trying to kill me" histrionics and I backed down, like I always do. Which is really an incredibly pathetic excuse because I'm 33 fucking years old and I should learn to do something for my own fucking self already.

Fuck. I'm sitting here and revealing all my secrets and it's not even in a format where someone can respond. Writing an email, writing a letter: it's like throwing a scrap of paper into a wishing well. Maybe it will get a response and maybe it won't, but you have to sit and wait before you ever find out.

Why do I feel like I always have to justify myself? Man, I never fucking do anything right.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
rawdolphin
Jan. 21st, 2004 07:46 pm (UTC)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (at least it made you sick, but don't try it again or I'll send you whatever is wrong with my stomach)
ratphooey
Jan. 21st, 2004 07:57 pm (UTC)
Don't be so hard on yourself.

It's great that you didn't smoke the whole cig.

Do you want to be in school? Studying what? That sounds like a great idea. What do you need to do to pursue that?
hopita
Jan. 21st, 2004 08:07 pm (UTC)
Geez, if I knew what I needed ...

Growing up with my mother, I've always had an interest in psychology. Lately I've been getting into evolutionary psychology, which, really, gets into stuff like sociology and anthrophology.

Then again, English was always my best subject, and one of my favorite jobs was when I was at Facets Multimedia, basically being an editor (I edited two of their Video Guide Books, among other things).

And of course writing is what my father does, so maybe it's just an aspiration to have something to do with my life like they both do. Or did. Or ... yeah.

I really loved school. I hated having it end, and I've been missing it ever since. I know someone my age who just went back to school and I am so fucking jealous of him, I can hardly stand it.

I'm just an idiot sometimes.
ratphooey
Jan. 21st, 2004 08:29 pm (UTC)
So go check out available programs, in either field, at the local Unis. See what's out there.

Is it the education that you miss about school? Or the social aspect?
m00nshadow
Jan. 21st, 2004 08:31 pm (UTC)
"Move and you'll have your chance"
Ok first off, bummer about the cigarette, but you stopped yourself (or your body stopped you) so that's good. I guess I'm clueless, like Peezy, but yeah, what he said, don't do it again. I'm sure he meant it in the same spirit I do, in that we all are supporting you here Hope, but no one can do this for you, only you can do this, so all we can do is (virtually) cheer you on. We love you and want you to succeed in beating this. We're sad to watch you slip, but we're here to help you back up. Don't lose all the progress you've made over the past months (how long has it been?) You can do it Hope!

Pardon my ignorance, can I ask about the painkillers? What's the story there? Are you in pain? Or are you just taking them to numb the cigarette cravings? I just don't understand.

As for "I'm never going to do anything unless my parents say I'm allowed to." Well as you know I often, perhaps annoyingly, respond with lyrics to songs that I've found wisdom from over the years. This one is really just a poem, but it's one of my favorites. Basically, stop waiting for anyone's ok and just get out there and do something, if it doesn't work out pick your self up and try something else. You're a smart, beautiful and multi-talented person, you can do anything you put your mind to Hope. Move and you'll have your place, don't sit waiting on the human race, just go, you've got your chance, you can't be timid in the...

Four-Lane Dance by David Wilcox

The driver right in front of me is making a mistake
He's stopping on the entrace ramp, waiting for his break
The more he hits his brake, the bigger break he's going to need
When a little break is plenty if he'd just been up to speed

So I say move and you'll have your place
Don't sit waiting on the human race
Just go, you got your chance
You can't be timid in the four-lane dance

Oh and now he's got it parked there and he's looking back behind
Pleading out the window, hoping someone might be kind enough
To stop and wait and hold the traffic flow
And still he's not quite confident there's room for him to go

So I say move and you'll have your place
Don't sit waiting on the human race
Just go, you got your chance
You can't be timid in the four-lane dance

The freeway's just a lesson in the way you drive your dream
If you think you'll never make it, well than that's the way it seems
But if you thought that it'd be easy, well then easy it would be
Why just a foot between the bumpers has been room enough for me

So I say move and you'll have your place
Don't sit waiting on the human race
Just go, you got your chance
You can't be timid in the four-lane dance
hopita
Jan. 21st, 2004 08:32 pm (UTC)
Question from a quiz I just took, and the reply the leapt out at me:

How much of an addictive personally do you have?

I keep going around in circles. I'm doing it again. And again..!
rawdolphin
Jan. 21st, 2004 11:34 pm (UTC)
yeah, me too with the bad habits. "Here I go again!" Butcha just gotta keep at it and things do change-- aren't you a much better swimmer than the first day you started?
hopita
Jan. 22nd, 2004 08:30 am (UTC)
Haven't been swimming in weeks since I've been sick. I tried to start back yesterday afternoon at 1:00-ish; I arrived to find a sign on the door that they were closed from 1:00 - 3:00 (Senior Olympics, or something of that sort).

I think the moral of the story is that yesterday was simply not my day.
rawdolphin
Jan. 22nd, 2004 09:58 am (UTC)
So let's hope today & tomorrow are better
khaosinc
Jan. 21st, 2004 10:25 pm (UTC)
Sorry, school night for me... wasn't home.

guess thats not what you wanted to hear either...

(Anonymous)
Jan. 22nd, 2004 08:19 pm (UTC)
You got sick from it
The fact that it made you sick should say something. Your body doesn't want it. Listen to your body

--Alan
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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