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That feeling ... like you want to put your fist or maybe your face through a plate glass window. Sometimes it's about the aftermath ... the warm feeling of blood rushing down your face, a sure way to know you're alive ... Sometimes it's the action in itself, the act of smashing, the noise, the destruction ... I don't know what it is with me. I suspect I should call someone ... Orange Mike is the most likely to both understand and respond.

Sometimes, at Quiet Storm, I see these people sitting and having these intense one-on-one conversations, and I think that's what I want. To have someone be that interested in what's really going on with me ... so have someone lean in close and focus on what I'm saying ...

Instead, it feels like all that much chitchat. Ah, here I go ... off to try and find someone to be my friend yet again!


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 20th, 2004 10:49 am (UTC)
Don't you realize...
That you have a bunch of people, your friends, reading your journal that are interested in what's going on with you? We're all digitally leaning in and listening to everything you say. Not the same, but it's still pretty cool and certainly worth something.

And also, for the record, if you didn't already know, we don't want you to smash your head through a plate glass window, even after explaining all those wonderful reasons you mentioned above. Guess I don't understand, but um, really, please don't?
Jan. 20th, 2004 11:44 am (UTC)
Re: Don't you realize...
I know, and I appreciate the sentiment, but also, it misses the point (or, more specifically, it actually gets right to the point that you are in Maine and can do little to ease my current malaise).

I also, for the record, realize that I have become a huge LiveJournal cliche by posting my angst online and basically whimpering for sympathy.

Except that I think I want catharsis more than I want sympathy. If I can put words to these emotions as they appear, then maybe I'm making some sort of progress toward figuring out what the fuck is going on with me, and what the fuck it is that I need.

There's gotta be more than this, Baby.
Jan. 20th, 2004 01:15 pm (UTC)
Re: I'm lucky in that aspect.
I don't have a huge circle of friends out here, Hope, but I know I'm lucky in that the friends that I have are people I feel incredibly close to. My friend, Jane and I try to get together, at least once a week, and usually that involves an entire day together...she works for herself and I'm a skivving student at times. I have a few other friends that I talk to regularly on the phone a couple of times a week, etc. You get the picture. I had years of being completely isolated and desperately unhappy so I NEVER take my friends for granted. Anyway, what on earth am I doing on-line when I have a java assignment due this Friday? (Especially when Friday is my day with Jane...)
Jan. 21st, 2004 09:05 am (UTC)
Too messy..
I knida liked your face when we were dating; Full and regal. Then again, back then you were my queen, so I might be a little biased.

IMHO: nothing makes you feel more alive than riding a bicycle during a heavy snowstorm in traffic knowing that at any moment your wheels might slip out from beneath you and you'd be crushed by the car behind you.

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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