Hopita (hopita) wrote,
Hopita
hopita

Choosing my religion.

Gut yontif, one and all.

If I were Observant, everything I'm doing right now would be considered wrong -- typing, using electronics ... but at the moment, the only things that feel really wrong are that I'm not at a seder, and that I have to be apart from aaronbenedict for three days.

He, being Observant, is observing the rules (funny thing, that). Which means he'll not be using his phone or computer for the first two days of Pesach. Thing is, as soon as day 2 of Pesach ends, Shabbos begins. So there's an extra day of no contact tacked on.

Anybody who's known me for more than ten minutes knows that I have an awful time with goodbyes. Blame it on being adopted, or on the frequency with which my father would abandon me in public places, but every time we have to say goodbye, I find myself inconsolable.

And I have to admit, at the moment I'm finding myself very confused. See, I don't believe in God. I think I used to, and I used to be very interested in learning more about Judaism, and learning all the little things (like how to daven) that they don't teach you when you're raised Reform ("Tastes great! Less filling" -- you kids under 30, google the reference).

And yet, at the moment, I feel a great loss and sadness at the fact that, while millions -- billions? -- of Jews across the globe sit down to a seder tonight, I'll be sitting down to ... Law & Order? Don't get me wrong -- as I said earlier, come Saturday, I'll be joining bishopjoey, last_girl_guide and bishopjoey's family for their seder -- an omnibus event that I've heard much about over the years -- and I am deeply grateful for the chance to join them (and to see bishopjoey and meet last_girl_guide as well). But the fact that my family is so ... hmmm. I'm torn between "apathetic" and just plain "pathetic." Point being, as I just said to aaronbenedict, if my Mother doesn't do it, then nobody does. And with the lack of appreciation that she receives (from my Dad, who could seriously not care less, and from Gayle, who no longer has the mental capacity to care), well, sometimes she just feels like there's no effing point.

So the bottom line is that I'm home, alone, and feeling an overwhelming loneliness. I left work early, and I'm glad that I did because, really, I would not have felt right about working tonight. I came home and lit my candles (aaronbenedict told me what to say) and now ... what? Now I'm sharing with all of you, I suppose.

So hey Jews: Who's having a seder? Who's not? Who's missing it? Who doesn't give a flying fuck?
Tags: aaronbenedict, adoption, bishopjoey, childhood memories, dad, family, gayle, holidays, jew, last_girl_guide, links, loneliness, mom, passover, religion, shabbos, work
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  • 13 comments

  • The news:

    Well, it's official: I'm diabetic.

  • Valentino, crossposted from facebook:

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