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Choosing my religion.

Gut yontif, one and all.

If I were Observant, everything I'm doing right now would be considered wrong -- typing, using electronics ... but at the moment, the only things that feel really wrong are that I'm not at a seder, and that I have to be apart from aaronbenedict for three days.

He, being Observant, is observing the rules (funny thing, that). Which means he'll not be using his phone or computer for the first two days of Pesach. Thing is, as soon as day 2 of Pesach ends, Shabbos begins. So there's an extra day of no contact tacked on.

Anybody who's known me for more than ten minutes knows that I have an awful time with goodbyes. Blame it on being adopted, or on the frequency with which my father would abandon me in public places, but every time we have to say goodbye, I find myself inconsolable.

And I have to admit, at the moment I'm finding myself very confused. See, I don't believe in God. I think I used to, and I used to be very interested in learning more about Judaism, and learning all the little things (like how to daven) that they don't teach you when you're raised Reform ("Tastes great! Less filling" -- you kids under 30, google the reference).

And yet, at the moment, I feel a great loss and sadness at the fact that, while millions -- billions? -- of Jews across the globe sit down to a seder tonight, I'll be sitting down to ... Law & Order? Don't get me wrong -- as I said earlier, come Saturday, I'll be joining bishopjoey, last_girl_guide and bishopjoey's family for their seder -- an omnibus event that I've heard much about over the years -- and I am deeply grateful for the chance to join them (and to see bishopjoey and meet last_girl_guide as well). But the fact that my family is so ... hmmm. I'm torn between "apathetic" and just plain "pathetic." Point being, as I just said to aaronbenedict, if my Mother doesn't do it, then nobody does. And with the lack of appreciation that she receives (from my Dad, who could seriously not care less, and from Gayle, who no longer has the mental capacity to care), well, sometimes she just feels like there's no effing point.

So the bottom line is that I'm home, alone, and feeling an overwhelming loneliness. I left work early, and I'm glad that I did because, really, I would not have felt right about working tonight. I came home and lit my candles (aaronbenedict told me what to say) and now ... what? Now I'm sharing with all of you, I suppose.

So hey Jews: Who's having a seder? Who's not? Who's missing it? Who doesn't give a flying fuck?


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 9th, 2009 12:34 am (UTC)
not doign anything tonight, going to do a seder with the extended family saturday night.
Apr. 9th, 2009 01:25 am (UTC)
We had kickass matzah from our baker pal, and gourmet/retro gefilte fish.

Tomorrow there will be matzah ball soup.

Friday there will be charoset.

It's a traveling, sporadic Pesach.
Apr. 9th, 2009 06:52 am (UTC)
What, precisely, is retro gefilte fish?
Apr. 9th, 2009 03:05 pm (UTC)
It's been in his basement since 1942.

Either that or it's a modern version of the fishmonger's grandma's recipe.
Apr. 9th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC)
It's been in his basement since 1942.

Apr. 9th, 2009 12:11 pm (UTC)
I didn't go to a seder last night either. By the time my dad finally got to my cousin's, we were beat. We're doing second night at her place.

There's some amusing irony to Pesah this year; My divorce becomes final either today or tomorrow.

If it's any consolation, because of a complicated series of events, I can't see the girl for roughly two weeks.

I get home Friday. Maybe we can hang out.
Apr. 9th, 2009 03:26 pm (UTC)
Sorry. Friday I'll be heading to Annapolis, MD for the aforementioned seder with bishopjoey.

Edited at 2009-04-09 03:26 pm (UTC)
Apr. 9th, 2009 03:42 pm (UTC)
Also, did I hear correctly that Sephardic tradition is to eat an entire lamb for first seder? I feel like I was recently reading something about the paschal lamb, and how you guys have to eat the whole thing in one night.

If not, then school me: what are Sephardic seders like?
Apr. 9th, 2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
i'm the wrong person to ask. i come from the most agnostic family out there. My cousin is making turkey and brisket.

i'm not sephardic per se. we're mizrahi. my dad's family is from iraq. the best part is the charoseth, which my dad makes with date syrup and nuts. no pistachios this year, because of the recall

Apr. 9th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
I've never even heard of Mizrahi Jews before (other than, you know, Isaac Mizrahi).

How did I not know this?
Apr. 9th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
Apr. 9th, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)

As far as I'm aware, organic pistachios are still OK.

Edited at 2009-04-09 05:39 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 9th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
Re: I put the 'unnnn?' in 'unobservant'
For me, being Jewish isn't a set of behaviors or rituals. It's just being part of a long story, most of which is unknown to me.

Yes, this.

Mine is a little more nebulous -- I mean, I get that the point of a lot of those rituals is to strengthen the feeling of connection to that long story. And there are certain things -- no seder on Passover, no services on Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur -- that just feel wrong, somewhere inside my gut. I also have my mother's sense of propriety in there somewhere -- that nagging feeling that working last night would have somehow been improper -- but I think that that has more to do with appearances than anything. As an example, she's pretty OK with staying home and eating on Yom Kippur, but going out and having a meal in public would be unacceptable. FWIW, I think this has more to do with her wanting to be respectful of those who do observe, rather than worrying what others would think about her (if that makes any sense).

This is a big thing for me these days. I mean, I'm involved with a man whose day to day life puts "Observing Jewish Law" at the top of the list. He knows that I don't believe, and his response when I fret about it is always that he's the one who's Observant, not me, and that he doesn't expect me to do or believe certain things simply because he does. But if we really are serious about making a life together (and I do still believe that we are) ... well, what's that gonna look like? His concession to me is to not bring meat into the house (and he's as much of an omnivore as you are, so this is a big deal -- and, for the record, this is something he offered, rather than something I requested), but I wonder: can he do it? Can I?

This will likely become a post of its own, as I obviously have a lot to say about it. And it's quite the question: what does an agnostic do when she falls in love with an Observant guy?

Edited at 2009-04-09 05:37 pm (UTC)
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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