I was pondering ... well, I was pondering losts of things - "losts of things?" I was going to correct that, but I kind of like the idea of "losts of things." OK, anyway ...
I went out to see Big Fish last night with zostrianos, acidexia, Anthony, and some other people that I don't really know, then out to the Beehive with Anthony and acidexia afterward (by the way: who knew that there was a community for The Beehive? beehivebuzz. Seriously). And then I came home and ended up on the phone with khaosinc, like I so often do.
OK, so that was just a run down of the evening, but here's the point: Talking with khaosinc afterward got me pondering this whole question of who I was when I was twenty. OK, twenty is a bad example, because the accident was when I was nineteen.
The accident affected me in ways that I could never imagine, in ways that I'd be hard-pressed to describe. I talked with lurpy on New Year's Day about possibilities ... about falling in love and feeling this whole big open blanket of possibilities before you, about being twenty years old and being sure you are going to go out there and change the world.
And where did that all go? A lot of it got lost that day in the van. It sounds cliched, and I apologize for that, but it's true. I remember the way I was before that ... m00nshadow described it to me once, the way I was so in-your-face and yet casual at the same time ... my ex-roommate Daniel once said that when I first met people, I always saw them as either an equal or an inferior; I never saw them as superior to me. He was wrong, of course, but I knew exactly what he meant. Hell, it's why I work well with celebrities: because, with the exception of Janeane Garofalo, I never get star-struck; I always just see them as co-workers.
But after the accident ... well, it's hard to describe. I remember one fellow student, Rob, the schmuck. We'd had this weird animosity thing going on, and when he tried to run me down with his motorcycle after the accident ... I don't know ... I remember approaching him with calm. I had to put a stop to the violence, but I had no patience for the drama. The truly bizarre part is that he accepted this approach and we parted ways immediately.
But that's not a definition, or an explanation. I got lost thinking about sitting in the rat room with H.W.S.R.N. and listening to music from the 80s, but that's for another post. Remember who I was back then? What would have become of her, that little bald eighteen year old? So many things happened that year ... Yellow Springs and Atlanta and getting mugged and falling in love ... train rides and apartments and then nineteen and overseas and back again and then boom ... And I stopped being bald and I stopped being skinny and I started wearing my seat belt all the time, started swimming all the time too. I also started doing film, tho I think I said what it was that I needed to say in those first few years ... I haven't really had much to say since.
Geez, rawdolphin: there's no land but the land ... there's no sea ...