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The Love Filter.

Hello all, and welcome to "The Love Filter."

Those of you who've been paying attention may have noticed that I've fallen -- and fallen hard -- for an old friend of mine. It's worth mentioning at this point that he's married, and living a fair distance away.

I've been keeping pretty quiet about things thus far, in part because I didn't want to deal with the criticism, and in part because I've been sort of waiting to tell people until I really knew just what it was I would be telling them.

To make a long story short, I'm starting to feel the urge to talk about it. I recognize, however, that for various reasons, people may not be wanting to hear about it. I've started the list for this filter by removing the people who've already voiced their disapproval. But now I'm asking the rest of you guys:

If it would bother you, for whatever reason, to read about this, now would be a good time to let me know.

Should things really seriously move forward (he leaves his wife, I move to Brooklyn), I'm sure I'll make a more general post. But if you don't want to know about it until it reaches that point, please let me know.


And no hard feelings -- I swear. :)


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 9th, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
I don't mind reading your journal entries.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:00 pm (UTC)
Can I call it somewhere in between?

We have sort of a vague timeline in mind, but are trying not to get too far ahead of ourselves. For his part, I know that he's been seeking the counsel of some trusted friends and family members, not just about us specifically but about his displeasure with his marriage in general.
Dec. 9th, 2008 10:56 pm (UTC)
I don't mind reading, but I should say that I might chime in with "Man, I don't know if this is a good idea" type comments if I think they're warranted -- not as any kind of judgment on you, of course. I'm actually in a kind of vaguely similar situation myself (it's not too serious yet, and he's not married, but he does have a live-in girlfriend, which is usually a dealbreaker for me, but for some reason it isn't now, and eek).
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
Of course. I'm not trying to shut out anyone who doesn't agree with every single choice I make. I'm just trying to filter out the people who are adamantly opposed to the entire idea, or who would find the topic personally upsetting.
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:07 pm (UTC)
be careful and don't expect a lot....but sure, keep me on here.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:31 pm (UTC)
Now neither can I.

Which I kind of dig.

Thanks. :)
Dec. 10th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
Thank you for trusting me. I am honoured to be included.
Dec. 10th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
Unfortunately, I have experience with falling for a married guy. I don't recommend it, but I'll offer any advice I have if you need it.
Dec. 10th, 2008 02:55 am (UTC)
i've more or less been there (live in gf) and done that, and know better now. like others have said, don't expect anything. and don't waste too much time on it, especially if he says one thing and does another. i'm not out to disapprove, god knows i've made tons of mistakes over time and i've got years of mistakes left to make.
Dec. 19th, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 10th, 2008 04:44 pm (UTC)
Fair enough.
Dec. 10th, 2008 02:22 pm (UTC)
I'm hardly a moral compass these days so rest assured I'll read anything and usually be really honest about it. I'm kind of dating someone right now who kind of is still attached to his long-term girlfriend. Then again, I genuinely have little-to-no expectations about the situation, and I think she knows about it anyway... but I never asked because it's not really my business (and I'm in the kind of mood lately where I don't care if that's socially irresponsible).
Anywaaaay, In all honesty, I think this is one of those situations when a little sneaking around is almost warranted rather than outright initial full-disclosure. Sometimes marriages don't work, sometimes people aren't right for eachother. I think it's better for you guys to be talking about how you feel, even though he is married. Maybe it won't pan out and he or you will realize that it was just a phase and he and his wife will live happily ever after and you as well. Maybe it will turn out the other way. I think he should be honest with his wife about it *in the end*, whether he decides to leave or stay, but I think in a way it's good to be protecting her right now by probing into his relationship with you without breaking off his relationship with her. Does that all sound really fucked up? I don't know, my world view is all bizarre with all this travelling.
Anyway, the important thing is just not to get yourself hyped up about what *could* happen.
Dec. 10th, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
Re: Well...
You've pretty well summed up *exactly* where we're coming from, actually.

We've agreed that if he's willing to turn his life upside down (leave his wife), then I am willing to do the same (move to Brooklyn). But we've also agreed that jumping off a cliff is not as wise as taking things one step at a time. So we have a couple of trips planned in the very near future so that we can (finally!) be together face to face, and we'll figure out what comes next once we make it through that step.
Dec. 10th, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
As someone who was the married person in this situation, it would be beyond lame for me to have you exclude me from this filter.

Listen, I have more I want to say but I don't really feel comfortable doing it in your comments. If you ever want to talk to someone who will be totally and completely non-judgmental, email me at saltonmyskin at gmail dot com.
Dec. 11th, 2008 04:47 am (UTC)
i don't mind reading at all. i know you don't know me that well, so thanks for the include. btw, i have been in a somewhat similar situation...
Dec. 14th, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
Okay, so let me ask you this. As I mentioned, I'm in a very similar situation to you. This is the thing I struggle with. I kinda really like this guy, but.... enh, I don't know. The main thing I worry is... if he broke up with his girlfriend and started going out with me, although I really feel the two of us are more alike than they ever were, well... how can I justify trusting this person not to also cheat on me? I didn't really think about it before, but now we've been out and about at enough events that people were starting to make assumptions and refer to him as 'my boyfriend', and I have to go through the whole story and sound like a semi-terrible person and yadda yadda... But anyway, yeah. Do YOU think YOU would be able to seriously date your guy, if things worked out, without being seriously paranoid?
Dec. 14th, 2008 02:55 am (UTC)
That's a tough one. I was actually on the phone with him when I saw this comment. I read it to him and it sparked a pretty good discussion.

The short answer, which sounds absolutely ridiculous and contrived and everything else is that I know that he's the one. All those schlubs and schlemiels that I've dated just pale in comparison. To paraphrase something his father recently said, I never knew it could be this easy.

The more complicated answer is that yes, that fear is there. I don't feel it all the time, or even particularly often, but it still does whisper in my ear from time to time. I know a couple of things which hopefully mean that it will be different with us (the main one being that he and his wife never really had as solid a foundation as he and I do).

I suppose ultimately it's a question of whether it's worth the risk. Clearly, I think this guy is worth the risk. I can remember in past relationships wondering how people were ever *sure* -- how people made it past doubts. This time, I'm actually not wondering that -- I am sure. He's the one.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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