Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Off to an auspicious start.

My computer died. Really died. Like it says the config/system file is missing died. I left a message for n0thingman and am using my old gerbil-on-a-wheel computer for the time being. My computer's been being hinkey for a while now. I'd been wanting to back up my files, but it wouldn't let me -- the USB port died, and when I put a disk in the CD drive, it never seemed to finish "thinking" so I could create some folders. Again, I await n0thingman's assistance. And rest assured: once my files are salvaged, it's off to Staples for a brand spankin' new computer.

But my day actually started off even worse than that: it began with a dream about unixd0rk. I've forgotten a lot of the specifics in the past few hours, but I remember that I was trying to reach him by phone, and ended up speaking to one of his housemates who clearly didn't know who I was and who told me that he'd gone off to Atlantic City with susanholmes418 and someone named "Lana."

I'm not sure if that has more to do with my Mark/Dan/work-related stress, or if it's because today is March 4th, which is the anniversary of that date that he and I had, oh so many years ago, where I realized that I was falling for him, and hard.

Either way, I've gotta get ready for work now.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 5th, 2008 03:42 am (UTC)
If it's any consolation, in 3 months and some hours, I turn 40
Mar. 6th, 2008 04:54 am (UTC)
the things i find when i google my username...
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law

hope, for the last time, i didn't steal rob from you, i didn't sleep with him before you broke up with him and, just as an aside, i didn't drink your effing champagne with him.

shit, i don't even LIKE champagne. i would have refused it if it was offered. on the night you mean, we drank some of that liquor that he has lying around on that little table.

just so you're aware, i hadn't even kissed him until two days before you broke up with him - that very night you met us at the bar. just so you know, i found out you broke up with him when i logged on to my computer to write to YOU so we could get together and talk before anything further occurred.

since you'd broken up with him, i didn't see the point.

this has never been about you or me. it was always about rob, seru and the screamingly obvious fact that he, over and over and over again, is going to lie to himself and to others about his relationships - especially the other parties involved. he's going to keep doing it until he gets over his self-loathing, and since he can't be any more honest with himself than he is with others he's going to keep doing it until the day he dies.

the bottom line, as far as you should be concerned for your own healing and peace of mind is that you were in a co-dependent relationship with him wherein neither of you could accept reality. he could not accept that he was in a serious relationship with you and you could not accept the terms of that relationship.

the most pathetic thing about it is that he thinks he does it so he won't hurt people.

there's a public entry in your journal that you wrote not long before you and i met where you talked about accepting the fact that you and rob were not exclusive. october '05, maybe? something like that. however, as soon as that looked like it might become reality, that acceptance Stopped. you weren't the only one fooling yourself, of course - rob is not poly. he's a serial monogamist that thinks he's poly. can't you see?

i'm sure you're well aware by now that he did the same thing to me that he did to you, the only difference being he actually sucked it up and broke up with me at the bitter end. first he left me in his heart for johanna and strung me along with lies while she was in another state and he was worried, then when he finally found somebody else to drain his dick for him that wasn't dangerous to his fragile, cowardly heart, he dropped me faster than light.

sound familiar?

get over it. it was never about you anymore than it was about me. it will never be about whoever he's involved with at any given time, and it will never be about the next one in line either.

THINK, hope. use your vaunted intelligence and look back dispassionately. it's been two damn years now. you know damn well he can't talk about anything that involves emotions excepting his misery. you know damn well that he thought he was saving you pain. you know damn well what a fucking idiot he is when it comes to love. you know how he hides in his shell of garbage around his computer monitor and his heart when he suddenly realizes he's vulnerable. THINK.

gods, i want to shake your by you shoulders and scream in your ear - it's been two fucking years, hope, isn't that enough distance to see things through colder eyes?

don't write a new entry about this conversation. keep it here, just you and me. it's far enough back that nobody should notice. he sure as shit doesn't need to know of this. fuck, i haven't even talked to him in nearly six months. you know what he did? i asked him to get together for a beer after work and he told me he couldn't make plans that far in advance.

if you don't want to hash this out once and for all, then stop using my name in your journal. i've stayed out of this for the entire time you've been putting this misinformation out on the internet for everybody and their dog to see because i understand what he put you through, but if you won't engage with me at this very late date, then just Stop it already.

if you don't want to talk here, we can talk in person. i can do that - can you?

one way or another, this needs to End.

Love is the law, love under will


Mar. 6th, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC)
Re: the things i find when i google my username...
I will send you an email, but you should recognize that your name was used in this post because you were a bit player in a dream I had -- nothing more.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

March 2015


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by yoksel