Hopita (hopita) wrote,

Righting yesterday's wrongs.

Remember yesterday? Yesterday I went to see a movie that I hated in order to make someone else happy. Last year I did the same thing. Well today I went to see the movie that I wanted to see: Charlie Wilson's War, which I loved. Aaron Sorkin, please father my children, so that they will be smart and funny like you.

Then I went back to New Dumpling House, where I had yet another lovely, vegetable rich meal. And then something funny happened: I got the same fortune in my cookie that I got last night -- "It's up to you to make the next move." (see -- I toldja it was sassy!)

Last night, I took that cookie's advice and made an incomplete forward pass at pghwob. It wasn't a big deal like it would've been a year or two ago. This time around I invited him over, he said no, we said goodbye and then retired to our separate corners. OK cookie: I did what you said -- now what? And the cookie gods have responded by telling me the exact same thing again.

There's something that I've been avoiding writing about -- even in my paper journal -- because it's something I have very mixed feelings about. To wit: this year, my New Years' resolution is to lose 50 lbs.

I'm on a pretty good streak with resolutions. Many of you remember that last year's resolution was to quit smoking. If I make it through another week, I'll have a full year of being tobacco-free. The last time that happened was 1988.

There are a bunch of reasons behind my plan for 2008. People will likely recall the whole pre-diabetes thing which, yes, has me freaked the hell out. I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow. But the thing of it is, even if they tell me that I don't have pre-diabetes, well, as I'm tipping the scales at 220 these days, I recognize that it's likely just a matter of time before I do.

But we got here by way of pghwob, didn't we? Point blank, I'd be lying if I didn't say that my top reason for wanting to lose weight is to get laid on a regular basis. No, not necessarily by him -- last night's attempt was more a matter of proximity than anything else. And yes, I recognize that big girls get laid too -- I was topping a deuce when I was with Sprout, unixd0rk, H.W.S.R.N. ... But come on -- you and I both know that it's a heck of a lot easier, at least in this culture, when you're thinner.

I'm obviously wrestling with this, though. I've spent a lot of time and effort working on my self esteem -- reading books, talking to activists, and trying to drill into my head that my life happens now and not at some magical future point when I wake up looking like Angelina Jolie. I feel like I'm abandoning my beliefs, and it's not a very good feeling.

So there it is. I'm shallow and horny, so I'm gonna make major life changes and lie and say they're for medical reasons. Except for me, at this point, the need to get laid seems to be trumping everything else.
Tags: body image, christmas, doctors, fortune cookies, h.w.s.r.n., movies, new years, pghwob, self-esteem, sex, smoking, sprout, unixd0rk

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