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Righting yesterday's wrongs.

Remember yesterday? Yesterday I went to see a movie that I hated in order to make someone else happy. Last year I did the same thing. Well today I went to see the movie that I wanted to see: Charlie Wilson's War, which I loved. Aaron Sorkin, please father my children, so that they will be smart and funny like you.

Then I went back to New Dumpling House, where I had yet another lovely, vegetable rich meal. And then something funny happened: I got the same fortune in my cookie that I got last night -- "It's up to you to make the next move." (see -- I toldja it was sassy!)

Last night, I took that cookie's advice and made an incomplete forward pass at pghwob. It wasn't a big deal like it would've been a year or two ago. This time around I invited him over, he said no, we said goodbye and then retired to our separate corners. OK cookie: I did what you said -- now what? And the cookie gods have responded by telling me the exact same thing again.

There's something that I've been avoiding writing about -- even in my paper journal -- because it's something I have very mixed feelings about. To wit: this year, my New Years' resolution is to lose 50 lbs.

I'm on a pretty good streak with resolutions. Many of you remember that last year's resolution was to quit smoking. If I make it through another week, I'll have a full year of being tobacco-free. The last time that happened was 1988.

There are a bunch of reasons behind my plan for 2008. People will likely recall the whole pre-diabetes thing which, yes, has me freaked the hell out. I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow. But the thing of it is, even if they tell me that I don't have pre-diabetes, well, as I'm tipping the scales at 220 these days, I recognize that it's likely just a matter of time before I do.

But we got here by way of pghwob, didn't we? Point blank, I'd be lying if I didn't say that my top reason for wanting to lose weight is to get laid on a regular basis. No, not necessarily by him -- last night's attempt was more a matter of proximity than anything else. And yes, I recognize that big girls get laid too -- I was topping a deuce when I was with Sprout, unixd0rk, H.W.S.R.N. ... But come on -- you and I both know that it's a heck of a lot easier, at least in this culture, when you're thinner.

I'm obviously wrestling with this, though. I've spent a lot of time and effort working on my self esteem -- reading books, talking to activists, and trying to drill into my head that my life happens now and not at some magical future point when I wake up looking like Angelina Jolie. I feel like I'm abandoning my beliefs, and it's not a very good feeling.

So there it is. I'm shallow and horny, so I'm gonna make major life changes and lie and say they're for medical reasons. Except for me, at this point, the need to get laid seems to be trumping everything else.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
fiannaharpar
Dec. 26th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
I have to lose the same amount of weight. Despite my being married and getting laid regularly, I'd like to a) no longer be invisible to men who aren't my husband and b) no longer feel like a huge fat pile of crap.

It's hard to do and good for you for choosing to do it. Any emotional support I can lend to this I'm happy to lend.

I didn't feel as much like I was abandoning my beliefs as I worked on my self-esteem, and I'm sorry that you are. That is a horrid thing to feel and I hope that it changes for you soon.
badrahessa
Dec. 26th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
You are my hero because :

#1 You admitted to being over 200 lbs in public ( I am too ) which by todays standards seems to be the equivalent of OHMYGAWDSBBQ-JabbatheHut, no matter how well you carry it or how tall you may be.

#2 You also copped to the real reason for a life changing diet or lifestyle change instead of safely hiding behind the whole pre-diabetic thing. ( Which is of course a factor as well, just maybe not the biggest factor )

#3 You were brave enough to follow the fortune cookie advice, even if it didn't seem to go anywhere. You go girl!!


catbirdgirl
Dec. 26th, 2007 11:34 pm (UTC)
I'm with you on the pre-diabetes, over 200 lb, and really I want to do it for vanity but health helps front.
rachelmichellek
Dec. 27th, 2007 01:01 am (UTC)
i've been pre-diabetic-ish for years.

when the doctors talked to you about it, did they mention it as being tied in with any PCOS type things? just curious. and you don't have to respond if you don't want.
hopita
Dec. 27th, 2007 05:23 am (UTC)
When the doctor talked to me about it, he didn't even mention diabetes, let alone PCOS. He said the numb tingly weirdness in my fingers and toes was carpal tunnels and told me to wear wrist braces. I asked about the elevated blood glucose numbers and he told me that (quote) "everybody has an elevated number in something."

Which is why I'm doing the getting-a-second-opinion-tomorrow thing. Because I think he's insane.
furious_mold
Dec. 27th, 2007 03:50 am (UTC)
I felt like I was abandoning my beliefs some time last year when I realized that I was almost 200 lbs and that I wanted to lose the weight because I felt ugly, not because of health risks. I found myself crying every time I felt bad about not being skinny like "the magazine women". I knew that I knew better, damnit! I defended my curves, and then...secretly told myself I was shit because I was a little overweight. I felt like a hypocrite.

So, for various reasons - shallow and smart - I started working out three times a week, and cut down on the food portions. (I think I had a pretty healthy diet to begin with - mostly veggie based)

It took a year and a lot of commitment to keep up with the exercise - but, I lost 30 lbs. I'm happy at my current weight and would like to keep it that way. I feel better too - less anxious...and I like my naked body again.

I hope you can do it (you will! you quit smoking! that's awesome!...and I give you total LJ friend support...it will take time, but I'm sure you'll reach your goal.

I don't care what your reasons are. Do it for yourself.
acrossthewalls
Dec. 28th, 2007 03:30 am (UTC)
It doesn't sound like you're abandoning your beliefs. It sounds like you have found things that motivate you towards taking better care of yourself. So even if you did try to lose weight for purely shallow reasons - the end goal of your efforts is something that will benefit you regardless of those reasons.

Plus, the act of deliberately taking better care of yourself will probably make you feel better along the way. For example - do you feel better now that you've quit smoking? I bet you do - and that wouldn't change even if you had quit for shallow reasons (I can't think of any; my apologies for using a crappy analogy).

My mother was diagnosed with diabetes when I was a teenager. After watching her gain weight continually over the course of my life, it shouldn't have been as much as a surprise as it was. She went on medication, changed up her diet, and started walking most days of the week. After a while, she was able to go off the medication because of her efforts. She later went back on the medication after her efforts were thwarted by her work schedule (CPA+tax season=bad). So far, nothing very serious had happened to her because of her diabetes, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible.

I hope that you can nip this thing in the bud and not have to go through having diabetes. I also hope you find a doctor who takes your elevated blood glucose levels and your own concerns about it seriously. Such a doctor might also be able to refer you to a professional (nutritionist/dietitian/program maybe?) who can help you reach your goal, if that is something you would be interested in. If you have the strength and willpower to kick cigs after years and years of smoking, you can lose 50 pounds.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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