catbirdgirl said something to me one morning not too long ago about fears ... I think the gist was that if I opened up my mouth and voiced the fears that held me back, then I would take away their power. I see her wisdom, and I even suspect that, in all likelihood, she's right, and yet, here I sit, dancing all around the subject and not really saying much of anything.
Monica says it's all about the cigarettes. She says that I smoked them for so long, used them for so many years, so that I wouldn't have to feel anything. I know she's right. I see in myself every day the urge to grab for that pack the instant that anything starts to make me feel bad. I used to joke that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I ever quit, and it's true ... I haven't the slightest idea what the fuck to do.
This month has been incredibly painful. bishopjoey wrote a poem today that spoke to how I've been feeling. You can read it here. I don't think that the cigarettes were the sole cause of this pain, but I very clearly see the ways in which their absence has left me raw and exposed.
But these underlying fears ... these fears keep rearing their ugly little heads at me. ratphooey seems better at discussing her demons in her LiveJournal than I do in mine. I've said some things in reply to some of her posts. There are a great many things I haven't said.
And maybe this isn't the place to discuss them. And maybe I'm being passive aggressive. And maybe I'm just chickening out.