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I believe, I believe ...

I've been procrastinating. I'm supposed to be at my parents' house in an hour and a half and I haven't lifted a finger to get ready yet. I wish I didn't have to go. Holidays always get to me. I suppose that's true of a lot of people. Still ...

Makes me think of the movie Home For The Holidays. There's this great scene where Holly Hunter is in the car, being criticized by her parents while being driven to their house from the airport. She looks out the window and catches the eye of the man (who always reminded me of an old friend, Mike Stowe ... something about his face) in the car next to theirs, who's in the same situation. He sees her, looks at his parents, and rolls his eyes ...

It all ties in to what I was saying earlier, both here, and in wackywallflower's journal ... about how messed up it is that my parents still have the ability to make me feel like I'm incompetent.

This has been a really fucking rough month for me, for a myriad of reasons. I won't go into all of them again, but suffice it to say, I'm still feeling very fragile, and very much alone. It just seems like the last fucking thing I need is to go over to that house and be made to feel even lower than I already do.

Like smoking ... I know my Dad. My Dad is not comfortable until everything revolves around him. One way or another, if he finds out I quit smoking, it's going to be all about him ... he's going to be the center of all things, making as much noise as possible, and ... and I'm not going to finish that thought. But it will be just like the night we buried Molly, when somehow, once again, the whole evening became all about my Dad and about how much noise he could make.

The winner is the one who shouts the loudest.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 27th, 2003 01:37 pm (UTC)
how messed up it is that my parents still have the ability to make me feel like I'm incompetent.

Just so long as you don't go thinking you're unique in that. I have what I consider a very good relationship with my parents, and yet they still have that ability.

Hang in there. Eat some food, then take a nap. Both are good.
Nov. 27th, 2003 01:51 pm (UTC)
Well, it ties in to what I initially said in wackywildflower's journal, which is, in a nutshell, that I think it really blows that I'm in my 30s and Thanksgiving can still do this to me - my parents can still do this to me. There were so many things that I was so sure I would be over by now ... all of these little abandonments ... all of those underhanded insults ... not just by way of my family, but as a general rule. Just once I'd like to feel confident, you know?
Nov. 27th, 2003 02:02 pm (UTC)
Feeling confident is something that has to come from you. It can take work. For me, it took therapy, and medication, and proper nutrition, and getting older and gaining experience (not all at once, of course). Not that I don't still have moments.

My point is that you won't ever be able to change your parents. You'll have to change yourself.
Nov. 27th, 2003 02:10 pm (UTC)
No thanks, I need quick fixes here. I leave the house in three minutes.

Nov. 27th, 2003 06:16 pm (UTC)
Actually it's WackyWallFlower (http://www.livejournal.com/users/wackywallflower/) not Wackywildflower.
Nov. 27th, 2003 06:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Wacky...
Can't believe I did that ... it just goes to show how stressed out and out of it I was when I posted that. I've since corrected it. Thanks for the tip.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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