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Awake at the butt crack of dawn, again

Yes, my eyes were open by 5:15, but I did not leave the bed until 6:00. It's now nearly 7:00 and I can't believe that, once again, I'm up before the sun with nothing to do with my time but dither around with my LiveJournal.

I was thinking about something I was writing in wackywallflower's LiveJournal ... pondering a broken heart, and what it is to have your heart broken at 18 versus what it is to have your heart broken in your 30s. Isn't it amazing, that no matter how many ways we grow and mature and learn, that some things seem like they never change. How is it possible that I feel just as inept now as I did when I was 18? And I mean "inept" in a broad, general sense. Not just in terms of heartbreak, but in terms of my ability to talk to people, to strangers ... my ability to support myself ... heck, silly basics like my ability to dress myself. How is it that I feel like the last 15 years have taught me next to nothing? I still make terrible decisions (with regularity). I still give my heart away too easily. I still feel like the same goofy little kid I've always felt like.


I dreamt Daryk and I were on a train, and I was eating a broken candy cane. He was next to the window - to my right - and I was resting my head on his shoulder as he talked. Oh, I felt so safe and so relieved to be sitting there, just listening to him talk ...


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 27th, 2003 05:22 am (UTC)
For what it's worth, I think it's better to give one's heart away too freely than to not give it freely enough.
Nov. 27th, 2003 08:02 am (UTC)
'Tis true, and the fact is not lost on me. Still, there's a very fine line where being trusting becomes being naive ...
Nov. 27th, 2003 10:51 am (UTC)
Evil will prevail.
it's nice to know that I'll still feel these ways in 12 years.

*kills self*

haha, I'm kidding.

Maybe I'm naive, but something inside me still thinks these things get easier once you meet the person who loves you completely. Then again, other parts of me doubt this will ever happen.

Yeah... I think I'm just naive and cynical, and I never thought I could be both at once, haha.
Nov. 27th, 2003 11:03 am (UTC)
Re: Evil will prevail.
Naive and cynical: good combo.

Miracle on 34th Street is just starting on TV (the original; I pretend that that 1990s version doesn't exist, because it shouldn't exist). I remember watching it last Thanksgiving with my Mother when she was in the emergency room. As horrible as that was, I still think I'd rather be watching TV in the e.r. than getting ready to sit down and make small talk with the folks.

Wow, my mood has taken a turn for the worse, now hasn't it?
Nov. 27th, 2003 06:13 pm (UTC)
Epilogue to the Epilogue:

I spoke with Daryk on the phone for a good, long while this morning (would have talked longer if my brother, Joey, hadn't beeped through twice). I told him about my dream and we talked about family, food, and lowering your standards.

I suspect it won't take much more vodka for me to give him another call this evening.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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