August 31st, 2009

Me & Aaron 6

Awake.

I gave up on sleep.

Boxed up a few more of his things.

There are one or two things that I should probably mail to him (like the swim trunks and socks that he forgot when he was here), but I'm not ready to deal with that now.

The thing is, I'm so fucking torn. I mean, I love him. I think he's the best man I know. I love when he shows himself to me -- the good and the bad. But I hated being a secret. Hated it hated it hated it hated it. It stabbed me every time he sat across a table from me, answered his phone and said "no, I'm alone right now."

And I'm so jealous of all of my friends -- him included -- who've had the chance to get married and have kids. I so want to know what that feels like. I swear, as foolish as it sounds, I really thought he was going to marry me. Not soon, but eventually. He said it was his "ultimate goal" and I believed that. And then I realized: we were definitely talking about future marriage within the past week, only he told me yesterday that he decided weeks ago to break up with me. So now how can I believe anything he said?

My one friend thinks The High Holidays are to blame. He said aaronbenedict has to ask for forgiveness during The High Holidays for committing adultery, only he can't do that if he's still committing adultery. This is all news to me, but then again, we've already established that I'm not much of a Jew.

Me, I think it's simply the path of least resistance. He had to hurt someone, and it was easier to hurt me. If he leaves his wife, it involves a whole bunch of messy, scary things -- new place to live, telling everyone, financial crap. If he leaves me, it solves all his problems. Well, except for being miserable in his marriage. But hey -- what's being miserable every day compared with having to take scary chances?

I'm not in a very good mood. Shocking, I know.
Me & Aaron 6

Disposable.

I talked to him again. I know, I know, but it was truly awful to wake up without hearing his voice on the phone. I hate it every Saturday and now I have to get used to it every day.

At any rate, he said he was doing this for me, as in it's not fair to leave me in limbo while he figures out his life. I reminded him that I'd volunteered, because I have no dignity.

Oh crap. I just realized that the episode of Sex and the City that's on now is the one that ends with Carrie saying "So maybe it won't look like you thought it would in high school, but it's important to remember that love is possible. Anything is possible. This is New York." Augh. I sent him that quote once, all full of future and possibility.

So here's the life raft I'm currently clinging to:

I got that breakup book out again, and started back at the beginning. After we got off the phone? I read this:
The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, this alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven ... Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

I texted him and said I was disposable. He replied that I wasn't, but ... yea. He says he still wants to end up married to me but that he doesn't feel like it's fair to string me along like this. I warned him that this was our second chance together and there wasn't likely to be a third. But he's already compartmentalized. He's walled off his feelings to me and there's just no tearing down that wall from the outside.

I can't believe this is really happening.

Here comes that Sex and the City line. I think I'm gonna hurl.
Mom's Bridal Portrait

Mid-Morning Update.

I talked to my Mom for a while. Some about aaronbenedict, some just about me, and her, and us, and life in general. I've considered myself lucky for a long time that I have a mother that I like so much. Everyone who knows her seems to like her too.

And in her am-I-a-psychologist-or-am-I-a-psychic spooky sorta way, she said she thought something was wrong and had been wrong for a month or so. She based this solely on the fact that aaronbenedict and I didn't have our next travel plans firmed up -- she said in the past, we'd always done that as soon as we'd said goodbye.

For the record, I'd talked to him about his last two trips, and he swears that it was circumstance and not intention that kept him from inviting me along.

Normally at this time I'd be heading for the pool, but, as luck would have it, this is the last week of outdoor pools -- the week when the pool schedule gets totally fucked and, bottom line, I can't go.

So instead I'll just chainsmoke. Yes, it's still just the herbal ones.

My Mom doesn't think I'll ever get married.

I'm scared to see Dan. I know he, like Sprout, like my Mom, was worried from the beginning that I was going to get hurt. Sprout once said that he and Dan were really happy for me -- that I'd been "glowing" was I believe the way he phrased it -- but that they were still concerned that aaronbenedict wouldn't leave his wife.

It's gonna be hard to talk to Dan. He's gonna say things I don't want to hear.
Me & Aaron 6

Work Day.

I would check my emails faithfully every day at work, always eager for an email from him. It's weird to sit here, looking forward to nothing.

Rob said that all requests for travel have to be in ASAP, as he's going away for three weeks and will be making the September schedule three weeks in advance. I had been pushing aaronbenedict to schedule our September travel ASAP -- not even knowing about this, but because I knew that schedules here were being made, and I was afraid of not being able to see him for another month. I feel like part of what made him want to leave me was that pressure, though he said he really *did* want to see me again (My mind races with questions: What for? So he could break up with me face to face, in a strange city, where I knew no one and where we were sharing a hotel room and a bed? He said simply that he wanted to see me again).

People here are very nice. Lots of hugs. Dan kissed me on the cheek and told me to hide out in the office. Sprout is running interference with customers for me (he volunteered -- I didn't ask). I wonder about aaronbenedict -- he'd only told two people in his life about us. If he's in pain (I say "if" because, while he says he is, he sounded stoic and calm on the phone -- all business), who will offer him comfort? That at least makes me like my way of living better than his: my way may be messy, but at least I let people know when I need help so that they can help me.

I've already lost two friends today on facebook (though I have no clue who they were). I wonder if this will be like the unixd0rk breakup where I'll start losing people here as well. I hope not, but I also understand why people who don't know me very well wouldn't exactly want a ringside seat to watch me disintegrate.

I brought a Veruca Salt CD with me. They're my default breakup music, and have served me well over the years. aaronbenedict is a fan of theirs too. I remember very recently thinking how happy I was to find a partner who shared my love for Veruca Salt. I think I'm gonna go outside and smoke.
Daryk

Chicago.

I talked to Daryk. I feel eternally grateful to have him in my corner.

His partner Lesli offered to fly me out to Chicago for a visit. It's something that, logistically speaking, I probably won't be able to do until November, but other than that, heck yea! I haven't seen Daryk since 2002, and I've yet to meet Lesli (or their cats, or see their new home -- all of which I've been eager to do).

I love my friends. I really do.