August 30th, 2009

Frida Kahlo 3

Something.

I don't know what to say, but I feel like I should say something.

It's been a hard weekend, full of feelings of hopelessness.

It's their wedding anniversary. And I don't think he's ever going to leave.

I don't want to be alone, but, sitting in my bed, alone, at 4:00 am, I was acutely aware of the fact that I am.

I'm sick of being a dirty little secret.
Me & Aaron 6

More info.

I talked to him.

He's been thinking about this since leaving Pittsburgh last month. He decided to leave me a few weeks ago. There never being a good time/place/etc. to do that, it didn't happen until today.

The bottom line is that he still feels traumatized by his parents' divorce and can't bring himself to put his daughter through something similar. On an intellectual level he sees the differences in circumstances them vs. him, then vs. now, but on an emotional level, he's paralyzed.

Anyway, n0thingman is on the phone now, so I'm gonna focus on that for a bit.
Me & Aaron 6

Update.

I talked with ratphooey. I talked with Elizabeth, my old friend from Facets (who I haven't talked to since I left Chicago, in 1996). I talked with n0thingman. I ate some food. I watched some TV. I smoked a bunch of cigarettes, though I stuck with the herbal, tobacco-free ones.

And every time I give myself a second to think, all I can think is "how could he?"

I really believed that he would never knowingly do anything to hurt me. I thought he would be there to comfort me, and defend me (though I can remember at least one moment in recent history where I really wanted him to stand up for me and he totally backed down instead). How could I be so wrong?

Six days a week for the past year, I've woken up with a phone call from aaronbenedict. I can't even imagine how weird it will be to wake up truly alone tomorrow.

I can't believe this is happening. He's been thinking about this for a month and a half now and somehow I had no clue. I'm such a fucking idiot.