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Kol Nidrei and the art of letting go

Today has been an odd little day to be living inside my brain. I had nothing to do until services tonight, and I inadvertently spent most of the day online, adding tags to some very old posts. The things that I discovered during this process were not things that made me happy.

For starters, I spent way too much time thinking about and pining over H.W.S.R.N. Don't believe me? Click on the damn tag. 80+ posts about a man that I was never really involved with, a man who only came home with me and fooled around with me when I had the misfortune to run into him in the bar. Making plans with him was like pulling teeth. He never, never wanted it. We were casual friends for a very long time, but it was really nothing more than that. And yet I have a good solid year's worth of posts where I sat and cried and hurt and wished, and held onto every drunken indiscretion like a freakin life preserver.

And sitting in Synagogue tonight, it occurred to me: I didn't find Rob until I had truly let go of H.W.S.R.N., and I didn't open myself to my most recent involvement until I had truly let go of Rob. Anyone notice a pattern here? Because I do.

And the thing that is so striking to me is that I clearly do myself such a great disservice by holding on to these attachments which are dead, and yet I continue to hold on, each and every time.

Now it is evident that I need to let go once again. And this time, I actually have the knowledge that letting go is the best possible thing I can do for myself. Will that make it any easier? I don't know.

I remember that last year, Kol Nidrei and Yom Kippur left me waxing philosophical as well. I'm a firm believer in any experience that leaves me asking the difficult questions.

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