I've been awake for all of fifteen minutes and if I do not get a cigarette soon I. Will. Kill. Someone.
I keep trying to remind myself that I can't keep doing this forever, that I need to quit sooner or later, and that it may as well be now. That I was happier when I wasn't smoking. That it gets easier. All that good stuff. Instead what I get is that whiny child voice inside my head that says "I want a cigarette!"
Arrrgh. I still don't know what I'm going to do. But I really am about this close to driving to the gas station in my pajamas.
So Dan abducted me to watch a demonstration from a trace minerals company today. The guy did something that he said we were all supposed to have done in science class in school ... something that Rob once said he would do with me: namely, he stuck something into a potato and made a light bulb light up.
Now, actually, I think the thing Rob said he'd do with me had something to do with grinding something pencil sharpener-esque and making a lightbulb light up ... I forget exactly, but I know there was a lightbulb involved. At any rate, I didn't want to seem like a giant dummy in the meeting, so here's my big question:
How the fuck does that work? I thought it had to do with water completing a circuit, but if that's the case, then why did the lightbulb light up with the potato and the tomato, but not the orange or the apple?
Man, where the hell was I when they taught science? 'cause this stuff all seems really cool and like the kind of stuff I would dig, only I don't remember ever experiencing any of it in school.
Well, I've done it again. I got sent home from work for being too emotional and incoherent to function. It wasn't a bad thing -- Stacey offered to stay, Shannon didn't mind ... Shannon sat and talked with me for a long time and gave me a cigarette (one -- I just smoked one) and said that it was because I had a big heart and there was a lot of it to break. And I just sat there and sobbed and sobbed.
I feel pretty stupid about the whole thing. I know no one's holding it against me, but still ...
Now I'm home, and probably going back to bed. My friend Dan is coming for a visit tomorrow, and that should keep me busy, if nothing else. But any kind words are more than welcomed.
*** EDIT ***
Dan called. That pain in his tooth is actually an infection under one of his crowns. He's on antibiotics, and major painkillers, and is unfortunately not road-worthy. This means that my weekend distraction has now gone kaput.