November 6th, 2005

Me pink

(no subject)

Wow. Sleep is kind of an amazing thing, huh? I crashed hard at around 8:00 last night and now it's not even 6:00 am and I'm totally awake and feel worlds better. I mean, no, I'm not happy, by any stretch, but I'm trying to remember things that nirbhao and n0thingman said, trying to remember that even when we were "together," he could be really mean, and make me feel very small.

First thing I did was to remove him from my buddy list. It makes me sad to see when he's online. It makes me sad to see that he's not. So it's best that I just don't know.

The thing that's been making me happy is seeing that work friends have been RSVPing for the party. Mike last night, Shannon this morning. I love the idea of Shannon being there.

I don't really love the idea that the party's at his house. He kept threatening me with canceling the party, like that would actually upset me. I mean, please ... you think I feel comfortable with the idea of this party? Canceling the party is going to make lilostitch way angrier than it's gonna make me. But knowing that there will be lots of loving people there is starting to cheer me up. I won't have to deal with him; I'll deal with them.

Anyone want to be my designated driver so I can go and get hammered and still make it home in one piece?

OK, well, time for me to figure out what the fuck to do with the next seven hours before I have to leave for work.
Me pink

(no subject)

OK, so I caught some more sleep. Probably a good idea so I won't be exhausted at the end of the work night.

I wonder if Debbie's back yet. I would really love to see her today.

And the funny thing about my current life situation is, since I called to say I'd bring the keys back whenever he wants, he actually hasn't spoken to me. It's making me remember an email that he once showed me that he was writing to someone from eBay or something who had fucked up his order. It was long and snarky and all I could think was "how is this going to help resolve anything?" I mean, this long nasty email to someone he didn't even know ... so of course I should expect much worse. I think he enjoys fighting. I think he likes to make himself feel superior by trying to make other people -- in this case me -- feel lesser than.

Dan and I talk a lot about the things I do tolerate versus the things I wouldn't. He knows and understands how much I wanted Rob to hit me the other night, because if he had, then I could have walked away and been like "fuck you forever" with no problem.

I always had a hard time understanding why women stayed with partners who hit them, and yet I've continuously stayed with partners who were mean to me without ever raising a hand. Is it really that different? H.W.S.R.N.'s intermittent reinforcement -- heck, Rob's intermittent reinforcement -- come here, go away. And I wonder how different things would have been had I found the self-confidence to not tolerate it the first time, the second time, ever. Was it my fear of being alone that kept me going back? Yes, being alone can suck sometimes, but how do I manage to ignore the fact that being with someone who doesn't want you there can also suck in its whole own way?

My Dad says I learned it from him, from the way he used to plead with customers on the phone -- that if you want something and you beg and plead and whatever else, you'll get it. Getting what you (think you) want by sheer force of will. I learned a lot of bad shit from living with my Dad. And feeling comfortable around people with erratic and harmful behavior is just the top of the list.

For every wonderful, laugh-filled good time, there was an equally awful time where I was made to feel ... bothersome, at best. I need to find a way to not let this happen to me again. I need to find the strength to refuse to tolerate that kind of crap again.
Me pink

(no subject)

So after I wrote my last post I logged off and called Dan again. A nice, long talk about a lot of things, including revenge fantasies. I realized I don't have any -- about Rob, about anyone, including the one person that I do hold sort of a grudge against (namely my ex-roommate). He said that was further proof of what he often said: that I was a nice person.

While I was talking with Dan, my other line beeped. It was Shannon, calling to say that The Co-op will be closed tomorrow until 2:00 for Gus' funeral. Gus. With all of my life drama in the last two days, I'd kind of forgotten about the work drama that I was about to step back into.

Well, not totally forgotten. People were talking about it at Robert's, and at Maria's. Ricardo was feeling the weight of it too. I can only imagine what the last two days have been like, what today will bring. Shannon said that a bunch of management types were going to the funeral, but that she wasn't, and this made me feel better about my not wanting to go. I was afraid that nobody would be there, you know?

This has been an amazingly tumultuous couple of days. I'm still kind of amazed, among other things, that I was so consumed by grief and stress yesterday that I actually vomited. It's been a while for that.
33rd birthday

(no subject)

It's hard. It's hard being at work. It's hard being reminded of happy times. Debbie talked to me about her daughter and totally made me cry. It surprised me. I kind of thought the crying part of this crisis was over.

But I actually ate a meal and I've been more or less competent work-wise, only needing a break to be alone here and there. And lots of customers are asking about Gus, and that's kind of a heavy load too. There are signs up everywhere, and just a general feeling of disbelief.

Somebody remind me that I actually am a good person? Please?