November 5th, 2005

Me pink

(no subject)

Well, I guess it's been about a week or so since I've used my Rob-Free Filter, so I'm sure you saw this one coming a mile away ...

The long story short is that we had a lengthy and emotional phone conversation (while I was drunk, which was a mistake on my part, but hey -- Monica called and invited me out and those drinks at Gooski's tend to be strong), which was followed by my going over to his house, which was clearly another larger mistake.

It ended with him screaming in my face, telling me to leave, and, specifically, telling me to give him back the keys to his house or he would never talk to me again.

I did not.

What I told him was that if he still felt that way when he was calm, then yes, I would, but that I was not going to do that in a moment when he was staring right through me with pure anger and hatred in his eyes.

So I left, and he sent me a text message which read "I hope you and my keys have a nice life." I tried to call back and leave a message on his machine, but he kept hanging up on me, so I sat there and typed out a text message which basically said that if he was serious, then we'd work out some sort of key exchange with Liz, but that I hoped he'd call me when he was calm.

The fucked up thing (well, one of several) is that I can actually see him never talking to me again. He takes grudges that far, and has an incredibly deep need to "win" any and all fights.

I tried to stare into his eyes and study his face when he was screaming at me. I wanted to remember the look of him not remembering who I was, in case he really does follow through on this.

As for the birthday party, well, I talked to Liz and nothing is canceled yet. So if you're planning on being there, well, I guess you should still plan on being there, and we'll see what the fuck happens over the course of the next two weeks.

The thing is, I still really do love him, whether I'm his girlfriend or not. And the fact that he lost his ability to see me for me was, well, kinda frightening.
Me pink

(no subject)

I called and left a message saying that I would bring the keys back, and that he should call and tell me when.

Now I'm shaking and freaking out and I can't tell if it's all the pills I took, or the mixture of grief and terror that I'm feeling.

I feel like a major ass for showing myself to him, to all of you, to be some sort of psycho stalker. Please understand that it's because I was and am so terribly, terribly hurt.
Me pink

(no subject)

So I went to Robert's pot luck (Robert, not Rob, lest there be any confusion). I worried my depression would turn me into a party pooper, but I really wanted to be around people. I ate a tiny little bit of (excellent) soup and bread, and promptly ran upstairs and threw it right back up again. BFunk rubbed my shoulders, and let me cry, which was wonderful and welcome.

Then to Maria's bonfire, which I'd been looking forward to, but which I was clearly not up for. It's still going on; I'm at home and getting ready for bed. At 8:00 pm. Ya.

Ha -- 8:08 -- hi Bob.

Anyway ... the great good news is that my friend Dan is now planning to drive up here next weekend to take me out for an early birthday dinner. It's one of the kindest gestures I can think of anyone doing in a long time.

Also, I think I'm done with my Rob-Free Filter. The purpose was for me to write what I was feeling without creating fuel for still more fights, and that seems kind of pointless now.

OK. Time for more pills and bed.