October 17th, 2005

Me pink

Rob-Free post #2

I am having a remarkably hard time not contacting him. Remarkably hard. I told n0thingman that since lilostitch knows Rob and I both, I had decided to do whatever the fuck she told me to (her response? "i tell you to bake me a pie." She's funny that way). She says I'm not allowed to contact him yet, that he still has the upper hand, and that I need to pick a date in the future and wait until then. I torture myself with thoughts that run along the lines of "but what if he thinks I don't want to talk to him, and is waiting for me to get back in touch with him?" She says right now I'm too willing to sacrifice and compromise in the name of restoring order, and, again, I know she's right. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through another day, another minute of this not knowing, not to mention the fact that I just plain miss him like hell.
Me pink

Rob-Free post #3

The day to day facts of life are getting to me.

Today, something happened at work. Something potentially good, future-wise. And something that Rob would totally appreciate, and understand, and everything else, were I, you know, allowed to email him. Which is not to say I disagree with lilostitch telling me that I'm not allowed to contact him yet ... it's only to say that I really wish that things were different.

Other things ... Allisyn said something that reminded me of how very close Halloween is, and I've been wondering about him and Halloween. We'd made all of these big plans together, costume-wise ... had been planning and talking for months. Now it's a week or two away, and I wonder if he'll still be doing anything at all, or if he'll take pictures, or what. Knowing him, I kind of suspect he'll stay home and skulk and do nothing, and that makes me sad.

Everything makes me sad.

I'm still holding true to my average of having to lock myself in the cash office once per work day to cry it all out. I'm also still terrified that he'll walk through those doors, but, more and more each day, I'm also really fucking hoping that he will.