April 17th, 2005

Me pink

In my glass coffin I am waiting

So tonight is nearly over. I'm watching SNL's "Weekend Update," which I remember watching last week with him. Him. You know, the guy who said he'd call me when he got home today? Yea, that's the guy.

Sorry. I'm having a rotten day. I'm bummed that I didn't get to see n0thingman tonight, and I just felt too sad and depressed to get it together to go to visit Miss Prissy Pants. I was also kind of frustrated that I didn't get to see unixd0rk last night (he'd said he'd maybe stop by The Co-op), but now that he didn't call me today, my mind is going to something n0thingman said ... something about having concerns that he'd "pull a H.W.S.R.N." and start blowing shit off, start blowing me off. H.W.S.R.N., who, by the way, sent me an email yesterday. First time in literally months. How in the fuck did that happen?

Right. I'm just whining. I'm nicotine-deprived and needing to go to bed and try to not be so sad at this first weekend alone in a while.

How the fuck did this happen? How the fuck did this happen?

Screw it all. Today is officially over. I quit.
Me pink

I am airless, a vacuum child

Hello, I'm smoking.

This weekend has not been one of my favorites.

I woke up like a shot at 5:00 am -- sat bolt upright -- terrified, though now I only remember glimpses of the dream ... unixd0rk, The Co-op ... Today is MAD Day at The Co-op and I'm not looking forward to it. Slammed all day, having to be constantly "on" ... and maybe that's why this morning's urge for a smoke was so irresistible ... The emotion was too much, yesterday was too hard ... I can't keep being this emotional ...

Arg. Crap. This post is going nowhere that I wanted it to go.

I hope to see Miss Prissy Pants at The Co-op today. I hope to stop smoking again soon. I hope that the next time I have a couple of days off, I do some better work on figuring out who the hell I am and what the fuck I want to be.

Yea. Maybe the weekend of MAD Day was not the best time to try to quit smoking again.

Thanks to ratphooey, to anyone and everyone who's offered their support. I really do appreciate it.
Me pink

Pretend to be nice so I can be mean

Another MAD Day is over with, and this one was especially hard. The lines were endless, the people were nasty (well, some of them, anyway), and all I wanted to do was smoke, and drink, and, oh yes, cry. What I wouldn't give to have someone rub the knots out of my back right about now. I've got to figure out how to get my shit together, man.

Among other things, today was AFRICArdo's last day. When I arrived I gave him the world's longest hug -- felt like I hadn't seen him in ages -- and he said "that's nice, but what's wrong?" You gotta love AFRICArdo, man.

My first break I called n0thingman, and we had a good chat. He, of course, will not get to read this because something horrible happened to his computer and now he can't get online, which was obviously a major bummer.

My second break started out sitting and talking with AFRICArdo, and, when he got up and headed inside, I saw unixd0rk's best friend walking down the sidewalk. I remember once I saw him as he was leaving the store but felt silly screaming out his name just to say hi. Not today. I yelled and yelled and he came over and we had a really good talk (albeit a brief one). It's hard to explain, but something about talking to him was a relief. He's also one of the first people I can think of who noticed I was smoking again and commented on it -- I honestly wasn't even thinking about the fact that I was doing it until he said "so, you're smoking again?"

But he was gone just as quickly as he'd arrived, and I was left to my own devices once again. I would say that pretty much the majority of the day was spent on autopilot. Feh.

Then home again, but first stopping off to get more smokes. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And I had to fight the urge to just keep driving ... to head out to the highway, hit the open road, not look back until I was good and lost.

I'm beginning to think that there's something seriously wrong with me for taking this all so hard. It's been nearly a week now. Shouldn't I be my bitchy, lovable self again by now? Shouldn't this ache have left me? True, it's changed, it's ... I'm at a loss for the right words. It's becoming more of my reality ... "Acceptance," right, ratphooey? But accepting it and liking it are two very different things. And every day, some new thing seems to crop up to remind me that not so long ago I was really incredibly happy, and to taunt me for failing yet again.

And as time goes on, April 24th looms larger and larger on the horizon, reminding me of all of the pieces of me that were lost forever. I wonder who I would have become, had that never happened. I wonder if I would have been happier, stronger. It seems like I used to stand up for myself a lot more than I do now. But maybe not. My teenage self was the recipient of any number of bullies, date rapists, and just general assholes. Man, but I was stupid. I'm still stupid, I'll grant you, but in different ways. I suppose whichever way you slice it, I've always and forever been too trusting.