April 12th, 2005

Me pink

In my continuing quest for complete disclosure ...

Things went into the crapper. And, as LiveJournal figured into the conversation (albeit only slightly), I won't rely on posting the entire pathetic little story here.

Suffice it to say, I have patterns. I repeat patterns. It must be why I like needlepoint (bad joke. Sorry). I seem to keep having relationships with people who aren't having relationships with me. Anyone else noticed that? H.W.S.R.N.? How about Hipster? n0thingman? Anyone else remember all of those non-relationships? Yea, I do.

So fuck it all. I bought smokes, and I bought alcohol, and today I plan to wallow (so far, so good). Anyone who wants to drop by and rub my head while I lie on the floor is hereby invited and welcome. I drove unixd0rk to work and drove erratically and haphazardly, so methinks the time for driving today is over (as Hipster will tell you, generally speaking, I'm an excellent driver -- ha).
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depression update

As told to n0thingman ...

I sat in the tub for a while. I'm done with that for now, but am not ruling out the possibility of doing it again in the future.

Also, I'm drunk enough that I'm bumping into things, but not so drunk that I'm knocking them over when I do.

Drunk enough to have sent an email to Hipster (a very brief email, in response to a mass email he sent out a few days ago), not drunk enough to have called H.W.S.R.N. (though I did actually consider the possibility ... something about being drunk, depressed, and smoking makes me think of him ... and how sad is that?).

I'm pondering my possibilities and also pondering the appropriateness of discussing them in this particular format. But the questioning goes something like this: how do I keep myself from getting involved in the same mess that I found myself in with H.W.S.R.N.? Santa Dan once said something about "intermittent reinforcement," and the ways in which it fucks with my (and his) head. I feel like I should clarify that statement, but I don't really know how. I suppose the gist is that I need to figure out where my lines are and then find a way to not cross them, or blur them, or otherwise set myself up for more drunken weepy mornings.
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And now is the portion of our evening where I will commence to mix some old pain killers with some new alcohol and will shortly be reduced to a puddle on the floor. Yes, I've done this a million times before so no, you needn't worry about any accidents. When it comes to self-destructive drinking and drugging, I'm an old pro.

Evening plans with n0thingman got quashed thanks to his mom; talking with lurpy got nixed because he got sick again. unixd0rk was online but disappeared with nary a word, which is, I suspect, yet another sign that I need to learn how to fend for myself one of these days. And a big shout out to Monica who reappeared right when I needed her most, as she always seems able to do. Apologies that I was too drunk to drive out to the suburbs.

Somebody call me, please?