February 10th, 2005

Me pink


I just wrote him a letter. A letter that basically said that I don't feel like I rank as any sort of priority in his life, that I feel like in order to see him, I have to pay for the privilege, and that it all makes me feel incredibly sad, and stupid.

Is it ill-advised to mail it? Or have I been sitting on my feelings for far too long already? The correct answer is probably "yes" to both questions.

I think mainly, it just strikes me that for the past few months, all of my interactions with him leave me feeling bad, taken advantage of, duped. Why do I believe him time after time? I just really want it to be true.

It's like Daryk. Daryk and I have a basic incompatibility. And no matter how much we love each other, how well we understand each other, we can never be together, because of this incompatibility. I feel kind of the same way now. No matter how much H.W.S.R.N. means to me, no matter how great he can be when he's present, the fact is that he's not been present, and there's nothing I can do to make him be present.

Blargh. I hate this feeling.