July 25th, 2004

Me pink

(no subject)

I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I don't think H.W.S.R.N. and I are dating ... I don't even know if we're "lovers" (Have we been? Sure. Is it a constant state of being, a "we are" statement? I have no idea ...) I don't know what the fuck he wants. I don't know if he knows.

But then I go to this party and I meet this man, a nice man, a man who I actually used to see from a distance at Quiet Storm and think he looked like H.W.S.R.N. While they don't really look alike (different heights, hair colors, wardrobes, etc.), I will still agree that he has a certain quality ... and, in one of those goofy twists of fate, they share the same first name.

But so we meet and we chat and we flirt ... turns out he's hung up on someone as well, an ex that he's having a somewhat promising email exchange with. But the thing is this: I have no clue what the fuck to do. Can I sleep with him? Is that cheating? Should I feel guilty for even entertaining the notion, or am I actually "single"?

And of course, the thing I realized with Louie is the thing I still realize now: As nice as the Doppelganger was, as easy as it seemed to be for him to kiss me (on the cheek, as opposed to H.W.S.R.N., who seems only willing to kiss me when no one else is around to see), I was still struck that he didn't move me the way that H.W.S.R.N. does. Is it history? Sure. And the built-up trust of years: I've told and do tell H.W.S.R.N. things that I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else (and vice versa). But does that just mean that we're really close friends?

Clearly, H.W.S.R.N. and I need to talk. I'm just frightened as fuck of what the answers will be.

I'm tired of the uncertainty, but I don't know that I'm really ready to move on yet ...

Sigh ...

And how was your night?