November 30th, 2003

Me pink

More about the bitchy tape

I'm dubbing a copy of the bitchy tape for myself now. Printed out the new liner notes, with the new title. The old title was "Survival & Bliss," a line taken from the Alanis Morissette song "Precious Illusions." The names of both sides of the tape ("Who I'm Not" and "Who I Am") are taken from that song as well, and when I first envisioned the tape, I think I had a whole concept thing going on. It didn't turn out that way, and the tape got renamed "Drunk Enough" from Veruca Salt's "Disconnected" ("... finish the fairy tale that you were drunk enough to start ..."). I guess that happened because "Disconnected" was really speaking to me yesterday. Specifically, "... you will never have the chance to trace my features and you won't ever make me feel like such a loser ..." Trying to find that place of pissed-off-ness ... not even pissed-off-ness ... but that desire to fucking defend myself ... I had been pondering this idea all summer, and then somehow it just went right out the window. I need to learn how to defend myself. I need to learn how to stand up for myself. I need to learn how to not let other people make me feel like such a loser ...
Me pink

I am so close to November finally being over, I can taste it

At Quiet Storm again ... as I said to Eric when I arrived, "Where else would I be? I have no life ..." This month has sucked. Hard. I was on the phone with sillylilboi earlier today and I was telling him a little bit about August 1995, the month before I started doing heroin. Let's see, first Daryk dumped me, then I got mugged, and then I was in a semi-horrible bicycle accident. By the time Bob was hanging out with me on our roof in September, I was ripe and ready for an adventure like heroin. Or so I thought, anyway. The moral of the story is that I remember now very vividly the way that I felt when August 1995 was finally over. I remember I took the August page of my desk calendar, went outside to the alley behind Facets, and set the damn thing on fire. I think Kelly Davis was there with me (whatever happened to him? I got a post card from him from Japan years ago, then nothing), but I'm not sure. And I remember comforting myself by saying that no matter what else happened in this life, August 1995 could never happen again. That's how I feel about November 2003. Even if I'm grateful for nothing else in my life right now, I'm grateful that, as of tomorrow, November 2003 will be over and done with. Forever.

There were some bright spots. I reconnected with Elizabeth West, and with Khaos. Orange Mike gave me a monkey. Got to see ratphooey for the first time in like 18 years. Matt Banjo (or whatever we're calling him these days) got lots of people to wish me a happy birthday on the Antioch92 board. Started to get to know anarqueso. Talked to Daryk again for the first time in a while. You know. Some nice little moments. Some friends really showed themselves to be concerned and compassionate and just generally really good people.

At any rate, I always feel ridiculous when I sit here and hog Quiet Storm's computer just because I have nothing better to do with my time, so I suppose I'll end this here.

For what it's worth, when I started typing the subject line to this post, the computer thought that I wanted to type "I am 35 % gay. never knew. guess i over exagerrated." I have no clue why.

Oh, and wanna be freaked out? Search "heroin" under "interests" on LiveJournal. Depressed the fuck out of me.