Hopita (hopita) wrote,

A shadow of my former self

Yesterday, at breakfast, I spent a few minutes catching up with Roz, an alum from the late 60s. She said to me that I looked like "a shadow of [my] former self," and it wasn't until several minutes later that I understood what she was talking about.

I had taken it on an emotional level, feeling that I was a shadow of my former self in terms of the heartbreak and drama that I'd been suffering under in recent months. I felt like a shadow of my former self, and thought that perhaps these changes were visible. It wasn't until we'd moved on to other topics of conversation that I realized that what she was actually talking about was the fact that I'd lost 30 lbs. since the last time she'd seen me.

It's weird. To me, the weight is invisible. When I look in the mirror, I see the exact same thing now that I saw in February. I may be able to see the difference when I look at old pictures side by side, but, when looking at myself in the moment, I see no difference between the way I look at 120 lbs. and the way I look at 220 lbs. Is this normal? I'm honestly not sure. I suppose it's harder to see changes when you look at something gradually. I see myself every day, and so the change from 215 lbs. to 213 lbs. may not look like much of anything, but the change from 213 lbs. to 185 lbs. would likely look startling to someone who had not seen all of the days that fell in between.

That being said, I'm full aware that I have a pretty thoroughly skewed sense of body image, and that even at what I affectionately refer to as "my junkie fighting weight," I still saw the same flaws that I see now.

I wish I knew how to fix that, but I don't.
Tags: body image

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