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Day One.

Well, here I am, nine hours and some change into my first day of quitting smoking again. I made it through the night, which really is saying something, considering the fact that at 3:00 am, sleepless, I was running through local gas stations in my mind and trying to remember which ones would still be open. I'd actually gotten as far as deciding on one (the Sunoco on Penn Avenue at Main Street) and had moved on to the "can I go there in my pajamas or should I actually put on jeans?" question before I managed to talk myself down from my ledge. Even so, it was probably still another hour before I managed to sleep.

I know I can do this. Hell, I know I've done this before. peatasaurus has quit smoking, and immoralusername is my fucking hero she's doing so great ... I want to be even half as cool as them! I want to be as cool as _aqualung_, or bishopjoey, or any of my other kick ass friends who've quit and stayed quit.

I am so fucking tired of riding this fucking merry go round. When I smoke I feel like hell. My chest hurts. My throat hurts. I can't sleep. I cough all the time. I stink like an ashtray. I never have any fucking money. I've always got one foot out the door (like I did in my good old drug addict days) because I can't wait to be someplace where I can fucking light up already. It's tired. It's pathetic. It's not who I want to be anymore. And I'm mad as fucking hell that I let a breakup talk me into fucking smoking again. Any fucking excuse, eh hopita? Gah, how stupid is that? It's the same as Daryk and heroin: I just took one problem and used it as an excuse to add another problem onto my pile of crap to deal with. So congratulations, hopita. You were so stupid that now you've got to deal with quitting smoking on top of everything else. Bravo. Well done.

Um, yea, so I was gonna include a disclaimer in this post about how I might be a bitch/bear/emotional disaster area/just plain giant pain in the ass for the next few days while I work this out of my system, but I think my last paragraph may've made that self-explanatory. Ahem.


QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
papilio_luna
May. 8th, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC)
I've never smoked as a habit, so I've never had to quit and can't really comment on what it's like.

I have however watched a lot of my friends quite, both successfully and un-, and I've noticed one key trend: The people who quit unsuccessfully do so when they're feeling okay, and their stress is minimal. As soon as the stress level goes up, they start again, saying that it is only to deal with Stressor X, and as soon as Stressor X subsides, they'll quit again. But 3 days after Stressor X subsides, Stressor Y shows up, and the cigs are now to deal with Stressor Y, and as soon as that goes away, they'll quit again.

I have stress, you have stress, everyone has stress, pretty much non-stop. If you use cigs to deal with stress, you will always smoke. If you use stress as an excuse to smoke, you will always go back to smoking because shit will always happen that is very very very very stressful.

Also, every time you light up, just picture yourself bending over for a big, fat, rich, sweaty white guy in a power suit to have his way with you. I think that might work for me.
vulgarweed
May. 8th, 2006 05:39 pm (UTC)
I'm pulling for you on this one!
hopita
May. 8th, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I'm using the Henry Cherry chew-through-3000-tea-tree-oil-soaked-toothpicks method of quitting. So far, so good.
papilio_luna
May. 8th, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)
I've definately known more than one person to use this method. I don't know what it is about those sticks, but smokers find them extremely satisfying. I kinda like 'em too.
hopita
May. 9th, 2006 02:00 am (UTC)
I'm chewing on one right now!
badrahessa
May. 8th, 2006 07:37 pm (UTC)
your cheering section
Go girl!!! quitting is HARD for most people, bully for you that you are even attempting it!

I'm sure you will be abel to kick the haboit though, you've given up much uglier things !
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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