Hopita (hopita) wrote,

Day One.

Well, here I am, nine hours and some change into my first day of quitting smoking again. I made it through the night, which really is saying something, considering the fact that at 3:00 am, sleepless, I was running through local gas stations in my mind and trying to remember which ones would still be open. I'd actually gotten as far as deciding on one (the Sunoco on Penn Avenue at Main Street) and had moved on to the "can I go there in my pajamas or should I actually put on jeans?" question before I managed to talk myself down from my ledge. Even so, it was probably still another hour before I managed to sleep.

I know I can do this. Hell, I know I've done this before. peatasaurus has quit smoking, and immoralusername is my fucking hero she's doing so great ... I want to be even half as cool as them! I want to be as cool as _aqualung_, or bishopjoey, or any of my other kick ass friends who've quit and stayed quit.

I am so fucking tired of riding this fucking merry go round. When I smoke I feel like hell. My chest hurts. My throat hurts. I can't sleep. I cough all the time. I stink like an ashtray. I never have any fucking money. I've always got one foot out the door (like I did in my good old drug addict days) because I can't wait to be someplace where I can fucking light up already. It's tired. It's pathetic. It's not who I want to be anymore. And I'm mad as fucking hell that I let a breakup talk me into fucking smoking again. Any fucking excuse, eh hopita? Gah, how stupid is that? It's the same as Daryk and heroin: I just took one problem and used it as an excuse to add another problem onto my pile of crap to deal with. So congratulations, hopita. You were so stupid that now you've got to deal with quitting smoking on top of everything else. Bravo. Well done.

Um, yea, so I was gonna include a disclaimer in this post about how I might be a bitch/bear/emotional disaster area/just plain giant pain in the ass for the next few days while I work this out of my system, but I think my last paragraph may've made that self-explanatory. Ahem.

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Tags: alan, bishopjoey, dolphin, links, peatasaurus, smoking

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