Hopita (hopita) wrote,

Am I good at my job?

It's been a hard day. Today at work I had my six week check in for my Customer Service position. It's actually been a lot longer than six weeks, and it was completely my fault that the evaluation came so late -- I got the self-evaluation forms right around the time that Rob and I broke up and, after about a month had passed, I realized that I had both never filled them out and had lost them. I got new forms last week and finally had my face to face evaluation today.

It wasn't what I'd hoped for. Yes, there were many good things, but there was also one serious issue that needed dealt with. My manager was very careful to put it in context -- to explain that it wasn't something I was in trouble for but was rather something that needed to be brought to my attention so that I could work on it. Still, it was something that made me feel kind of awful, and, ultimately, something that made me cry.

I had been thinking earlier today about something that had happened when I was on methadone. I had a counselor at the methadone clinic once -- I forget which one -- who asked me if I remembered my intake forms and interview for the clinic. Specifically, she was talking about when they had asked me what things I was good at. Apparently my reply was "nothing." Nothing. I felt like I wasn't good at anything.

I am good at my job. I do love my job. It's the second-longest job that I've ever held (Facets being the longest, at two years) and I really do fucking love it. My coworkers have definitely become my friends. Hell, even some of the customers have become my friends.

I had hoped to come out of that meeting today feeling like other people thought that I was doing a good job too, but it didn't happen that way. My review was by no means all bad; I was complimented on my organizational skills, on my writing skills, and on my reliability. My manager was also very clear with me that I have a lot of support from the people I work with, and that did go a long way ... at least I was able to walk out of there feeling like OK, so maybe I fucked up, but people there really do want to see me succeed and are willing to help me do so.

But the bad stuff is weighing on me tonight, and making me want to reach out and be reassured. I want to get this right. I want to do this right.

And I'll say it -- it's hard to not be able to talk to Rob about stuff like this. Rob was always really supportive of me when it came to work. He always understood how much I loved my job, and how much time and effort I had put into getting the job in the first place. He encouraged me to apply for promotions there, and went over each application that I put in with me. He was the person that I turned to when something about work was weighing on my mind.

Which is not to say that I don't have other support, because I do. It's just that he was always so encouraging toward me when it came to my job. I'm sure he wishes me success there still, and would understand just why I feel the way that I do tonight, in part because he always understood how important my job really is to me.
Tags: allisyn, crying, depression, eefc, facets, me, methadone, self-esteem, unixd0rk

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