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Ghosts of my former self

I had thought that today was the anniversary of the death of Chicago Bob. Heroin Bob. Bob the first. The Bob that I used to call "Dead Bob" before Pittsburgh Bob, Cocaine Bob, died. At any rate, apparently I have an inability to do things like read calendars effectively, because today is not the fifth, tomorrow is. But I still have Chicago Bob on my mind, as well as the memories of just who I was and what the fuck I was doing then.

I told lilostitch the story over the weekend, mostly prompted by the feelings that I got from seeing Mimi shoot up when we watched "Rent." I always forget about that -- about the way that watching someone shoot up onscreen always triggers that longing inside of me. I won't be thinking about it at all and then wham! Ooh, I remember that, ooh, that always felt so good, ooh, it's been such a long time ...

Many of you know that I used to be a junkie. Most of it happened a solid decade ago, and, among other things, I have a hard time feeling ashamed about it because I realize that it was the era of "heroin chic" ... it was, at that time, a pretty prevalent problem, and I am far from the only one who fell victim.

I talked with n0thingman over the weekend, and he expressed how proud he was of me for all that I have overcome, drug-wise. Rob has said the same thing to me in the past as well. It's one of the few circumstances where, when people tell me that they feel proud of me, I actually feel it, and it feels good. I feel proud of myself. It did take a lot of work. It still takes work sometimes.

I had sat down planning to write about the chain of events: how Daryk led to Bob led to heroin led to my demise. Now I find I simply don't have the words. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Apr. 4th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
as i'm new here, i didn't know you used to be a junkie. The fact that you are here today to tell the tale so to speak... man, that's just volumes ya know....

I have watched so many over the years run their lives into the ground with various drugs... it's good to see another example of someone who DID survive, who DID overcome, ..... It give me hopes for those who are lost and struggling with it today... ( like Mandy's mom, who will be out of the court enforced jail and re-hab program , or my cousins, or my Uncle, or hell...even my own full brother....)

I will never be able to fully comprehend the stregnth to get thru something like a drug addiction as i've never done drugs (aside from the steriods and various antibiotics i'm on right now...but not the same right? )

But, I still respect it immensely....
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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