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Nov. 6th, 2005

OK, so I caught some more sleep. Probably a good idea so I won't be exhausted at the end of the work night.

I wonder if Debbie's back yet. I would really love to see her today.

And the funny thing about my current life situation is, since I called to say I'd bring the keys back whenever he wants, he actually hasn't spoken to me. It's making me remember an email that he once showed me that he was writing to someone from eBay or something who had fucked up his order. It was long and snarky and all I could think was "how is this going to help resolve anything?" I mean, this long nasty email to someone he didn't even know ... so of course I should expect much worse. I think he enjoys fighting. I think he likes to make himself feel superior by trying to make other people -- in this case me -- feel lesser than.

Dan and I talk a lot about the things I do tolerate versus the things I wouldn't. He knows and understands how much I wanted Rob to hit me the other night, because if he had, then I could have walked away and been like "fuck you forever" with no problem.

I always had a hard time understanding why women stayed with partners who hit them, and yet I've continuously stayed with partners who were mean to me without ever raising a hand. Is it really that different? H.W.S.R.N.'s intermittent reinforcement -- heck, Rob's intermittent reinforcement -- come here, go away. And I wonder how different things would have been had I found the self-confidence to not tolerate it the first time, the second time, ever. Was it my fear of being alone that kept me going back? Yes, being alone can suck sometimes, but how do I manage to ignore the fact that being with someone who doesn't want you there can also suck in its whole own way?

My Dad says I learned it from him, from the way he used to plead with customers on the phone -- that if you want something and you beg and plead and whatever else, you'll get it. Getting what you (think you) want by sheer force of will. I learned a lot of bad shit from living with my Dad. And feeling comfortable around people with erratic and harmful behavior is just the top of the list.

For every wonderful, laugh-filled good time, there was an equally awful time where I was made to feel ... bothersome, at best. I need to find a way to not let this happen to me again. I need to find the strength to refuse to tolerate that kind of crap again.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
unixd0rk
Nov. 6th, 2005 04:28 pm (UTC)
you showed up at my house when i specifically asked you not to. to top it off you were drunk and then refused to give me back my keys when i asked for them. i don't know anybody who would put up with that kind of unpredictable shit from someone and allow them to keep a set of keys. if i was a dick i'd put a poll on my blog and prove it to you.

...and BTW, i never sent out that email you are talking about, and i really don't like to argue with anybody. also, your showing up completely unwelcome at my house isn't an "argument", hope.

i really can't believe that you expected that creepily barging into my house uninvited wasn't going to have any consequences, whether i was the nicest person on earth or not.
hopita
Nov. 6th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
I don't know how to respond, Rob. I said I'd give the keys back. I apologized. There's nothing more I can say.
nirbhao
Nov. 6th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
it's possible. you can do it
hopita
Nov. 6th, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
And his comment above makes it easier somehow.

It's crushing. It's crushing to have all of that anger thrown at me. It's crushing to never know if he'll be the sweet, giving guy that I fell in love with, or the brooding, angry guy that made me feel so inferior sometimes. At the moment, it's mostly the head-against-the-wall sensation of saying I was wrong and having someone yell at me and tell me I was wrong.

Man. I talked to n0thingman once about how hard it is for me to understand why people don't love like cats. Cats, they sidle up next to you and just radiate love. Heck, even on Friday night, his cats were rubbing up against me and being sweet without knowing or understanding that the walls were crashing down all around us.

Fuck. I have to go to work.
nirbhao
Nov. 7th, 2005 12:47 am (UTC)
cats or dogs. my dog, Palmer, she just loves. always. no matter what. that might be why she's so important to me right now.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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