Hopita (hopita) wrote,

OK, so I caught some more sleep. Probably a good idea so I won't be exhausted at the end of the work night.

I wonder if Debbie's back yet. I would really love to see her today.

And the funny thing about my current life situation is, since I called to say I'd bring the keys back whenever he wants, he actually hasn't spoken to me. It's making me remember an email that he once showed me that he was writing to someone from eBay or something who had fucked up his order. It was long and snarky and all I could think was "how is this going to help resolve anything?" I mean, this long nasty email to someone he didn't even know ... so of course I should expect much worse. I think he enjoys fighting. I think he likes to make himself feel superior by trying to make other people -- in this case me -- feel lesser than.

Dan and I talk a lot about the things I do tolerate versus the things I wouldn't. He knows and understands how much I wanted Rob to hit me the other night, because if he had, then I could have walked away and been like "fuck you forever" with no problem.

I always had a hard time understanding why women stayed with partners who hit them, and yet I've continuously stayed with partners who were mean to me without ever raising a hand. Is it really that different? H.W.S.R.N.'s intermittent reinforcement -- heck, Rob's intermittent reinforcement -- come here, go away. And I wonder how different things would have been had I found the self-confidence to not tolerate it the first time, the second time, ever. Was it my fear of being alone that kept me going back? Yes, being alone can suck sometimes, but how do I manage to ignore the fact that being with someone who doesn't want you there can also suck in its whole own way?

My Dad says I learned it from him, from the way he used to plead with customers on the phone -- that if you want something and you beg and plead and whatever else, you'll get it. Getting what you (think you) want by sheer force of will. I learned a lot of bad shit from living with my Dad. And feeling comfortable around people with erratic and harmful behavior is just the top of the list.

For every wonderful, laugh-filled good time, there was an equally awful time where I was made to feel ... bothersome, at best. I need to find a way to not let this happen to me again. I need to find the strength to refuse to tolerate that kind of crap again.
Tags: abuse, dad, debbie, h.w.s.r.n., planetjupiter, the keys, unixd0rk

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