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Well, I guess it's been about a week or so since I've used my Rob-Free Filter, so I'm sure you saw this one coming a mile away ...

The long story short is that we had a lengthy and emotional phone conversation (while I was drunk, which was a mistake on my part, but hey -- Monica called and invited me out and those drinks at Gooski's tend to be strong), which was followed by my going over to his house, which was clearly another larger mistake.

It ended with him screaming in my face, telling me to leave, and, specifically, telling me to give him back the keys to his house or he would never talk to me again.

I did not.

What I told him was that if he still felt that way when he was calm, then yes, I would, but that I was not going to do that in a moment when he was staring right through me with pure anger and hatred in his eyes.

So I left, and he sent me a text message which read "I hope you and my keys have a nice life." I tried to call back and leave a message on his machine, but he kept hanging up on me, so I sat there and typed out a text message which basically said that if he was serious, then we'd work out some sort of key exchange with Liz, but that I hoped he'd call me when he was calm.

The fucked up thing (well, one of several) is that I can actually see him never talking to me again. He takes grudges that far, and has an incredibly deep need to "win" any and all fights.

I tried to stare into his eyes and study his face when he was screaming at me. I wanted to remember the look of him not remembering who I was, in case he really does follow through on this.

As for the birthday party, well, I talked to Liz and nothing is canceled yet. So if you're planning on being there, well, I guess you should still plan on being there, and we'll see what the fuck happens over the course of the next two weeks.

The thing is, I still really do love him, whether I'm his girlfriend or not. And the fact that he lost his ability to see me for me was, well, kinda frightening.


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 5th, 2005 09:04 am (UTC)
This sounds like such a difficult situation. Relationships can be so hard, sometimes. Hold onto yourself.
Nov. 5th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
I'm trying to figure out how. Right now I'm all hungover and numb. I ... I wonder how he can go from the love that I remember in his eyes from only a short time ago to the total lack of recognition that I saw there last night.

I'm going back to bed.
Nov. 5th, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
Give. The. Keys. Back.
Nov. 5th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
It was such a big deal when he gave them to me; it will be a really big deal to give them back. And if he's all red in the face, he's not going to listen, or care, as far as how I'm feeling about that.

He emailed me at like five this morning, still all hopping mad. I just responded and said that I didn't think major decisions like that should be made in the heat of the moment.

We all have our lines in the sand, and this particular one feels like it would crack me open and turn my insides to sand. I just couldn't give those keys back.
Nov. 5th, 2005 12:43 pm (UTC)
It just seems that whatever you are trying to hold onto by holding on to those keys is already lost, and that you're going to need to deal with your feelings about that without him.
Nov. 5th, 2005 12:48 pm (UTC)
I know that's true, and I think that's why I said I could do it if we were having a calm discussion. This just feels like he's trying to punish me somehow. But yes, I am well aware that a pair of keys is cold comfort. I ...

Oh Shani, I really feel like I'm disintegrating. Without those keys, I'd feel like just another houseguest. It ... it was such a huge deal for me when he gave them to me. I used them two nights ago when he said I could come over after work. I ...

Crap. It's already lost. It's already lost.
Nov. 5th, 2005 12:50 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, babe.
Nov. 5th, 2005 12:53 pm (UTC)
Why did this have to happen? I just plain liked him so much, and there were so many times when he seemed like he felt the same way about me. Now it's like he doesn't remember that, or any of the reasons why he invited me into his life in the first place. The phone call last night was emotional, but it was good, in a listening-to-each-other kind of way. I'm kicking myself for ever going over there, and for not leaving right away once it became clear it was going to just get worse. I just so desperately wanted to see him, wanted him to hold me, wanted to feel like we were still OK. Instead, what I got was a much bigger pile of shit than what I had to begin with.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 5th, 2005 05:28 pm (UTC)
It was the heat of the moment thing that froze me. I'd not been prepared for that, and it seemed like kind of a major change to be happening on the spur of the moment.

For what it's worth, I did tell him that I would give them back if he still felt that way when he'd calmed down, and, as much as it will crush me to do it, I meant what I said. I even said I'd arrange a key exchange through a mutual friend if that was ... better.

My excuses include being drunk, and being devastated.

And yes, once I'd come home and sobered up, I realized that if I had been in his shoes, I would've been pretty skeeved too. I don't want to be that guy -- I don't want to be dangerous stalker guy. I just want him to still want me in his life, and in his home.

And he still has my keys, by the way.

Damn it Jenny, I'm a fucking mess.
Nov. 5th, 2005 09:05 pm (UTC)
This all sounds so rough -- I don't know what to say except to tell you that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that something good comes your way soon.
Nov. 6th, 2005 01:01 am (UTC)
Nov. 5th, 2005 10:59 pm (UTC)
I tried to stare into his eyes and study his face when he was screaming at me. I wanted to remember the look of him not remembering who I was

just remember that.

and get out.
Nov. 6th, 2005 01:04 am (UTC)
I'm trying to. I find myself getting wistful over good times, and I try to force myself to remember those nights that I spent in his bed when he turned his back to me, huddled against the wall, and made me feel oh so very unwelcome.
Nov. 6th, 2005 07:35 pm (UTC)
you know, I was in a similar relationship. I never really got over the guy, but I was able to remove myself from the situation. it's like a drug, I think. you will always be an addict, but at least you can be free from the substance.
Nov. 6th, 2005 11:35 pm (UTC)
I can feel that. It's like I've learned over the years that I can't be around people who do cocaine or heroin. I'll talk to them on the phone, sure, but I'll never get together with them and I especially would never go to their homes.
Nov. 7th, 2005 12:44 am (UTC)
yeah, Nate was like that for me. I actually used to have sex with him to pay for drugs. I still love him. I think of him daily, because the times that were good were so good. but the times that were bad.... no one ever could make me feel so bad.
Nov. 7th, 2005 03:09 am (UTC)
It makes me think of a line from an Alanis Morissette song:

Somewhere along the way
I think I gave you
the power to make
me feel the way I thought
only my father could
Nov. 7th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
that's a good line
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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