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I wanted to update my journal once again because I'm still pretty freaked out about yesterday. Today's thoughts are mostly along the lines of not wanting to die alone, not wanting to be like Richard Brautigan, who lay dead in his apartment for weeks and was only found because the neighbors started to notice the smell.

I know that I am loved. I know that there are people who care about me and who would be genuinely saddened if I died, as opposed to the weird mixture of guilt and disbelief that most people seem to be feeling about Gus. But damn it -- I want to be noticed. I want someone to notice if I don't get up from bed, I want someone to notice if I lay dead in my car for three hours.

Ugh. I fear I'm not explaining myself particularly well. I suppose what I'm feeling is isolated, and what I want to be feeling is included.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 4th, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC)
I hear ya.

I have felt at times that the only way they would notice I was dead if I didn't show up for work.

Which I guess counts for something.

but ya. I feel isolated and alone. I don't feel I have "best" friends. Folks that are there are a moments notice. Most folks I know are so busy and have other people way ahead of me on the totem pole.

Our society is crummy that way. I am sorry you feel so isolated and alone. Hang in there.

Nov. 4th, 2005 08:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Caeli.
Nov. 4th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
it sounds like one of those deaths that shocks--not just because it was at work but because of the circumstances. this might sound weird, but i think it's really good that you're thinking about these things. (now i'm not going to be able to articulate this complex thought...)

i feel isolated sometimes too, even if i know i'm not. in a heart sense, i know i'm not, but i have only one person in close proximity to me, physically, and if anything should happen to me, i know he wouldn't really notice for several days (when i didn't call as usual). that's one thing about a single life, an independent life, that sometimes scares me too. i love my life, okay, but i do go through long stretches of hermit-like behavior. i don't want people to just assume i am being asocial, when really i may be in danger. i dunno--what this tells me is that i should be more communicative and connective. but i have to respect my own cycles of inner/outer focus...

one thing i realized is that even though eljay can give a false sense of social activity, it is good for a warning-system. if someone posts every day and then suddenly, without warning, stops posting for even a few days, that's a good indicator that something's wrong, and local folks can get on it.

i remember how after all those folks died so suddenly at Antioch, everyone on campus kind of went through this phase of checking in with each other every day. maybe that's not a bad idea to get in the habit of doing, in the present climate.

Nov. 4th, 2005 10:03 pm (UTC)
When I got arrested the night that the war started, it was lurpy who came to the rescue, though even then there were special circumstances (as in he knew I was going to a protest that day, and he saw on TV that they arrested hundreds of people, so when I didn't answer my cell phone for a day, he made the logical assumption). Now, even lurpy and I are barely in contact. I know these things happen -- friendships ebb and flow -- but it really did feel a little safer when I knew that I had a gay boy who would notice if I didn't answer my phone for 24 hours.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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