He left to go home early, got into his car, and died. He apparently sat in the parking lot for about three hours until someone finally found him, and by then, it was too late.
I ... I'm pretty weirded out. My brain is going to all kinds of places ... thoughts about his family, of course. Thoughts about mortality and ... well, basically, thoughts about using time wisely. Wondering what he would have chosen yesterday, last week, last month, had he know that today would be the end. What would I do differently? Would I even know where to begin?
And all of these thoughts are complicated by the fact that he was not a well-liked man. Yes, most folks didn't want him to keep working there, but certainly no one wished him harm. I remember my first year at Antioch, there was a woman who lived on my hall, and she was annoying as fuck. She was only my friend as long as I was giving her what she wanted -- letting her borrow my boots, mostly -- but as soon as I said no to her, that was it, I was shit. I was totally angry with her, and felt very used. But then that summer, she was killed in a car accident. It was such a strange feeling. She was the first peer of mine that I could remember who was dead, and I couldn't think of anything nice to say about her.
Ugh. So back to today. Today I had three cigarettes (all bummed -- not trying to open that particular can of worms right now) and have just generally been walking around in a daze ever since this whole thing happened. The first thing I needed upon arrival at Rob's house was a shower. I'm not sure if it helped, or even why I needed it.
Now he's at home, asleep, and I'm at my home, awake. I figure I'll try to crash soon, I just ... I don't know. I think I'm just going through this and wanted to share. Hopefully tomorrow life will feel less random and pointless.