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Oct. 24th, 2005

These updates, they never seem to end, huh?

I showered, and pondered, and cried. I know that I need to find the way to stand on my own two feet -- deer legs and all. I know that I need to find the strength to let go, and I actually know that I'll feel better for it in the end. I also know that it's not my fault, that there's nothing I did "wrong."

My mind keeps replaying all these little moments -- moments when he showed how much he liked me, or just moments in general, like the night all the power went out, and we lay there in the dark. I wonder how long I'm allowed to be a total wreck over all of this before people start thinking I'm nuts, or maybe just plain annoying. I wonder how long I'll want to smash things, or throw myself through windows.

I've been told by one person that there are other fish in the sea, and by another that the best way to get over someone is to jump into bed with someone else. This is not who I am, or what I want.

Of course, what I want is for him to have called before closing last night and said he wasn't going to make it down to the store, which, under normal circumstances, is what he would've done. What I want is for this to be like the breakup in April when we actually ended up both closer and happier afterward.

Instead, what I get ... what I get. Ugh. I don't want to tell the whole story because it's his and it's personal, but damn ... we'd been planning this whole Halloween thing since the summer, if not longer. I couldn't wait -- couldn't fucking wait -- and now it's become this great little dream that I'm realizing I'll never see come to life. The one big plan that will forever be a fantasy.

And he's still talking about having that party next month and I'm so fucking torn about it. I mean, it's my 35th goddamn birthday and I want a fucking party, you know. But now it seems like it'll be this sad little thing ... an epilogue.

And yes, I want to have kids, and no, he never did, and yes, I saw that as a huge problem given the fact that I'm already in my mid-thirties, and yes, I know that I need to be open to finding someone who can give me what I want and that I wouldn't be open to that possibility if I was still with him.

Damn it. Just fucking damn it.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
sabotabby
Oct. 24th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
I so hear ya. No advice that you haven't already gotten or thought of, just...been there, sort of am there, and hugs.
suewan
Oct. 24th, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
I never knew you wanted kids, Hope. Wow, so you do learn something new every day. I find that deeply encouraging! Yes, yes, yes, so I should be saying that, kids are a wonderfully positive thing! Hey, something to work towards in the future, trust me...just maybe with someone else. It's hard to say, Hope. Things just don't always turn out the way we hope at times. 35, huh? Cripey, I'll be 40 next. Is that a milestone?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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