We broke up. Again.
Again it was about his panic over commitment, and again, it started with me wondering yet again if this would all blow over in a day or two. And I'll share with you the thing that really got to me: He said something about how on all of his memberships, on MySpace, Friendster, OKcupid, whatever, that he'd intentionally never changed his profile from "single" to "seeing someone." Yes, I'd noticed it before, but I'd always ascribed it to laziness, to an oversight. I never took it to mean that he didn't consider us to be together.
But here, tonight, it struck me as a gigantic insult, at the very least. When we went through this in April, I blamed myself. I figured it had only been a few weeks, and I'd misunderstood his intentions. But now, after spending the better part of a year together ... well, I told him that he knew full well that I had not been looking at it as a casual thing, and that, knowing that, if it really was true, if he was really just "hanging out," well, then that was incredibly mean, and cruel.
My friend Dan talked me through the drive home, and asked what I wanted. What I want, as I told both him and n0thingman, is for Rob to not pull this crap anymore, to not break up with me every few weeks, or months, or whatever. The incredibly sad thing is that I also understand that the only way that this will happen is if I don't let him come back to me again.
I honestly have no clue what I'm going to do.
For now I plan to lie on the couch and watch Bette Davis movies until sleep claims me. I also plan to smoke, which I realize isn't the wisest choice, but which also isn't the worst choice either.
Sympathy, advice, affection, whatever -- it's all welcome.