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Rob

Hello and welcome to my Rob-Free filter. Rob apparently gets bent out of shape when I talk about our relationship, or lack thereof, on LiveJournal, so I'm creating this filter right here and now so that I can tell you what happened without creating fodder for yet another fight.

We broke up. Again.

Again it was about his panic over commitment, and again, it started with me wondering yet again if this would all blow over in a day or two. And I'll share with you the thing that really got to me: He said something about how on all of his memberships, on MySpace, Friendster, OKcupid, whatever, that he'd intentionally never changed his profile from "single" to "seeing someone." Yes, I'd noticed it before, but I'd always ascribed it to laziness, to an oversight. I never took it to mean that he didn't consider us to be together.

But here, tonight, it struck me as a gigantic insult, at the very least. When we went through this in April, I blamed myself. I figured it had only been a few weeks, and I'd misunderstood his intentions. But now, after spending the better part of a year together ... well, I told him that he knew full well that I had not been looking at it as a casual thing, and that, knowing that, if it really was true, if he was really just "hanging out," well, then that was incredibly mean, and cruel.

My friend Dan talked me through the drive home, and asked what I wanted. What I want, as I told both him and n0thingman, is for Rob to not pull this crap anymore, to not break up with me every few weeks, or months, or whatever. The incredibly sad thing is that I also understand that the only way that this will happen is if I don't let him come back to me again.

I honestly have no clue what I'm going to do.

For now I plan to lie on the couch and watch Bette Davis movies until sleep claims me. I also plan to smoke, which I realize isn't the wisest choice, but which also isn't the worst choice either.

Sympathy, advice, affection, whatever -- it's all welcome.

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
nirbhao
Oct. 14th, 2005 07:13 am (UTC)
I started smoking again, too. last week.

you have to hold people accountable for their actions, otherwise they can really hurt you. fuck that. fuck that.
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 03:08 pm (UTC)
Got your response last night when I was still awake and puttering around in a daze. It helped. And I try to keep reminding myself of what you said, now, in the day after, when thoughts about sleeping alone tonight, and, you know, for the rest of the nights that follow, are starting to weaken my resolve.

If I allow this, then what won't I allow? Do I draw the line anywhere?
(no subject) - nirbhao - Oct. 14th, 2005 11:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
suewan
Oct. 14th, 2005 10:29 am (UTC)
How shit is that? I don't get it sometimes either Hope, I really don't. I got royally screwed over by someone I considered a close friend for years and he knew how royally screwed over I'd been in the past but that didn't stop him from fucking with me either. Relationships can really bite at times. Hence my self-imposed exile from relationships for the past oh, four or five years, I think. It could be longer. Eat chocolate and listen to good music, watch your favourite films, dress to kill, okay, Hope? Heck, I have a filter as well to seperate the uni folk from now from my old friends. I bitch a lot about university so I don't want their grief either.
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 02:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I was feeling kind of weird about the filter thing, but I just don't want a new round of fighting about stuff.
telephasic
Oct. 14th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
When someone says they "aren't ready for a relationship" it means they like messing around with you but don't get attached, because they're planning on ceasing messing-around type activities as soon as they meet someone they have feelings for.

It's brutal, I know. I just went through it recently. A lady I liked told me she wasn't ready a relationship, I was like in my head "fine, whatever, doesn't have anything to do with the fun we're having" didn't even care if she was seeing other people. Then, two weeks after she tells me that, she's in a committed relationship with someone else.
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 03:05 pm (UTC)
People who've known us both (namely n0thingman, at this point) have said -- have agreed -- that he acted unmistakenly "boyfriendy" during those times in which we were together. I have his keys (still) and he has mine. I've met his parents and he's met mine. So I don't know that I necessarily agree with your theory, or at least not in its entirety.

I don't know. And I'm sorry that you're going through shit as well.
easilyirritable
Oct. 14th, 2005 03:48 pm (UTC)
I'm really sorry this has happened, but I think it seems like it'll be for the better. I mean, the 'seeing someone'/'single' thing might seem minor, but to me that's pretty fucked up.

It's like he's not sure if he wants to be with you when he does that. Fuck that. Be with someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with them, you know?

*hugs*

Eat lots of ice cream and buy yourself something pretty and take care of yourself.
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 04:44 pm (UTC)
There's a whole huge backstory that involves him being with the woman before me for a very long time, and which had led me to empathize with his hesitance, at least initially. But what he said last night kind of came off like "if eight years with her were worth nothing, then I'm never doing that again," and it strikes me that, if he's still got something to prove (to someone who's probably not even aware that he's trying to prove something to her), well, then, either way, I lose.
(no subject) - easilyirritable - Oct. 14th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - easilyirritable - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
divinetailor
Oct. 14th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC)
well, you have my sympathy and my empathy, if you want them. i also understand your choice to have a smoke. i told myself i wasn't going to try to quit until after my divorce is finalized, which means that i'm giving myself a measure of control over my own habit, as well as a reasonable deadline.

it sounds like you're taking care of yourself, tough as it is. brava!
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm frustrated with myself for using every heartbreak as an excuse to light up. Yes, cigarettes are better than, say, heroin, but the real trick is to learn to deal with the hurts without either crutch, you know?

I feel like I'd heard about your divorce through someone or other, but I didn't realize that it was still a current process, and you have my sympathies.

And, incidentally, the above-mentioned Dan is someone we both know, king of the Red Headed Support Group. I mentioned to him in the course of our conversation that I had recently found you online, and he sends his greetings.
(Deleted comment)
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC)
The above-mentioned Dan once told me (in relation to H.W.S.R.N.) that anyone who would not kiss me in public was not my boyfriend.

Rob was uncomfortable with the term "girlfriend," though he said to me privately "...even though that's what you are," and I accepted that as a point of semantics.

Now, not so much.
lilostitch
Oct. 14th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
well here are some *HUGS* to make you feel better, but sadly i don't have any encouraging words...
from what i learned from the whatever-the-fuck-it-was that i had going on with shane last year (were we dating? i have no idea. it doesn't matter, really)...and considering that rob & shane are very much alike, i can tell you it's not gonna get any better
they both live in their own self-centered emo-ish worlds. and they are determined to share that little world with other people only on very limited circumstances on their own terms. it's gonna lead to you being constantly frustrated. and he's never going to change. ever. and if you have the misfortune to interpret something he does as something indicating change, you will be sorely, sorely disappointed.
maybe i'm just pessimistic. I don't know. But i really think it's a situation that is only going to keep you in a cycle of frustration & disappointment.

sorry i don't have much hope to give :/
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
Wow. I didn't know about you and Shane. What I do know about Shane is that it sounds like pretty much every one of his exes has nothing good to say about him. Rob once said he presumed that, when Shane broke up with someone, he simply stopped talking to them, because each and every ex seemed pretty steamed about him, then, now, still. It's also one of the reasons why, while I always thought Shane was mighty pretty, I was infinitely happier to be with Rob.

But I really feel ya on the "on their own terms" thing, and it's something that had been becoming more and more troubling to me lately. Yes, we had fantastic times together when we were together (as a sidebar, last Saturday was a really memorably great day, which seems incredibly bittersweet in this moment, thinking of it as our "last" day), but those times were always on his terms, and I was some sort of controlling, smothering, codependent bitch if I wanted more, or different, or whatever.

His grandfather's been quite sick the past week or so, and I was letting a lot slide on the grounds that he was (and probably is) all messed up over that. But Jesus Christ -- I can't be this eternal punching bag for every fucking hurt and wrong in his life. If he's got shit going on I will gladly listen -- as I offered to, when I arrived last night -- but I have to come to a point where I simply won't allow him to take all of his shit out on me.

Oh, Liz, you have no idea how incredibly sad I feel right now. Or maybe you do.
(no subject) - lilostitch - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lilostitch - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lilostitch - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lilostitch - Oct. 14th, 2005 06:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lilostitch - Oct. 14th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lilostitch - Oct. 14th, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hopita - Oct. 14th, 2005 08:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
funcrunch
Oct. 14th, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC)
*Hugs* breakups suck. Go get some fresh air and eat chocolate or something.
hopita
Oct. 14th, 2005 08:07 pm (UTC)
Hey, thanks Julie. I'm at a total loss right now, as you can doubtless tell from everything I've written today. I joked with one of my friends last night that every breakup involves the phrase "I really thought this one was different," but, damn it, I really thought this one was different ...
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )

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