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I can't sleep. We had a fight. We'll maybe not a "fight" exactly, just one of those ... oh, screw it. For brevity's sake, let's just call it a fucking fight.

To me, it felt like we were just sitting there one minute, having an allright time, and then the next minute I was being attacked. And as per usual, I started crying and searching my mind for the one wrong thing that I did to turn a good weekend into a total shit pile. I tried talking to him about this -- trying to explain the thought processes that go on inside of my head, the way that I can turn anything into my fault ("I shouldn't've said that ... I shouldn't've done that ... if only I'd done that differently ... gotta remember this, gotta do it "right" next time ..." because anything less than perfection is complete and utter failure. Of course, I digress. Can you tell I've been rereading my geneen_roth lately?)

So I came home and lay in bed and cried and thought that I didn't like the way that he fights. Specifically, I was thinking about the way that I fight, about the way that I try to find words to explain my feelings, my thoughts -- you know, touchy feelie hippie crap that doubtless leaves him feeling like he wishes I would shut the fuck up, grab my "Free to Be You and Me" record, and get the fuck out of his face (hey hopita: what's that you were saying about turning everything into your fault?). I prided myself on not being one to yell, call people names, or throw dishes. At any rate, lying here in bed, I started wondering if that's really the best quality. I mean, it seems like those people who throw tantrums (along with Fiestaware) at least know how to fucking defend themselves ... me, I just suck it all in, believe that it's all my fault, and sulk home in tears. What the fuck is up with that?

More to the point, just what is it that I think would happen if one day I decided to start yelling back? I can answer that in an instant: I'm sure that whoever I was yelling at would stop loving me, would leave, would never return. And geez -- if that actually is true of my loved ones, then I've got some pretty flimsy relationships, right? How did I become so incapable of recognizing that a fight is just a fight? That once everyone's had a chance to cool off, he'll call me ... He'll call me what?

Hmmm. I was going to insert a pet name there, only I couldn't think of one. He never calls me by any sort of nickname. Come to think of it, I don't think anyone does. I call people "Dollfeather" and "Sweets" and all sorts of pet names, but I'm having a hard time thinking of anything cutesy that anyone calls me. What's up with that? I want a nickname too, you know. And yes, "hopita" counts. I used to love it when AFRICArdo would call me "hopita" every time he saw me.

OK, so I digressed.

When a child is told anything often enough, they come to believe it. Heck, when anybody is told anything often enough, they come to believe it. If I wasn't "fat" I was "ugly." If I wasn't "ugly" then I was "crazy." No matter the age, no matter the adjective, the purpose is the same: to put me in my place, to make me "lesser than" so that somebody else could feel "greater than."

The moral of the story is that somewhere along the lines, I stopped standing up for myself. Now, at least I'm aware of it, although I'm still chicken to actually do it.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 31st, 2005 06:59 am (UTC)
Tough questions. And, you know, you have to start somewhere. <3
Jul. 31st, 2005 11:05 am (UTC)
don't throw fiestaware, it is too expensive and it breaks. i recommend throwing pots & pans. They make nice loud CLANK noises, and don't break
i've seriously been known to throw them, and they are a HUGE stress relief, especially during a fight
Jul. 31st, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes, and Fiestaware is now "retro," if not full-scale "antique."

And anyway, you've seen his room -- if I threw anything -- even a pillow -- it would cause mass destruction.

My solution: I'm gonna see if I can squeeze in a swim before work.
Jul. 31st, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
Being aware of it is a good first step!
Jul. 31st, 2005 01:45 pm (UTC)
From someone who has had screaming arguments, short of throwing dishes (though I'm sure other things were flying around), I recommend that you don't become like that. Letting emotions take control is not an answer. Being too aggressive isn't good; nor is being too passive. Being assertive, telling people how you feel when you feel it, is the best thing you can do. If you're feeling attacked, say so. The other person may not feel they are attacking you. The other person may be just as confused. The only way to know for sure is to tackle the situation as it presents itself. I have talked through many misunderstandings with close friends this way. If your friends truly care about you, they will listen.

Jul. 31st, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
I think my main thought was that I would never dream of actually standing up for myself. That phrases like "don't you dare speak to me that way ..." just plain don't pass through my lips. And I started wondering just what form of treatment I would find unacceptable ... I have no clue. But with every fight, from lurpy to n0thingman to unixd0rk, I always seem to respond by crying and walking away.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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