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another update before disintegrating

I'm not sure I'm up for writing in linear form. Howzabout in bullet points:

* I came up with a smoking compromise: Since I don't want to start smoking cigarettes again, but I've been struggling with intense frustration and anxiety all day, I've decided to smoke that one clove cigarette that's been lingering in my freezer since roundabout last October. Different than all the weed I've been smoking? Not much, I'd say.

* I don't like my last post. It says some stuff that was on my mind, but the emphasis is in all the wrong places.

* Yes, the events of last night and this morning left me feeling really sad, so I did a bunch of the things that often help: I swam (at least until thunder made the lifeguards clear the pool), I cried, I put Veruca Salt into my car's cassette player and sang along loudly. Any minute now I plan to climb into a bathtub (and perhaps take some old painkillers and watch the room spin -- whee!).

* But ooh -- listening to Veruca Salt and hearing the line "but now you're gone and I don't think I care ..." made me remember H.W.S.R.N. -- how that line tugged at me last fall, how it felt like he would be destroying my heart forever and ever. Now I haven't heard from him since ... ? Since who knows. And wouldn't you know it -- I don't think I care.

* I feel like a shit for oh so many reasons. And I don't think I want to write about them here.

* I can't keep going through this.

* I really want to read one of misia's books. So how come I can't seem to find them in any local bookstores? Feh.

* The best thing about work today? Vegan crepes (which I realize makes me sound like the geneen_roth poster child, but oh well)

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