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Disposable.

I talked to him again. I know, I know, but it was truly awful to wake up without hearing his voice on the phone. I hate it every Saturday and now I have to get used to it every day.

At any rate, he said he was doing this for me, as in it's not fair to leave me in limbo while he figures out his life. I reminded him that I'd volunteered, because I have no dignity.

Oh crap. I just realized that the episode of Sex and the City that's on now is the one that ends with Carrie saying "So maybe it won't look like you thought it would in high school, but it's important to remember that love is possible. Anything is possible. This is New York." Augh. I sent him that quote once, all full of future and possibility.

So here's the life raft I'm currently clinging to:

I got that breakup book out again, and started back at the beginning. After we got off the phone? I read this:
The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, this alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven ... Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

I texted him and said I was disposable. He replied that I wasn't, but ... yea. He says he still wants to end up married to me but that he doesn't feel like it's fair to string me along like this. I warned him that this was our second chance together and there wasn't likely to be a third. But he's already compartmentalized. He's walled off his feelings to me and there's just no tearing down that wall from the outside.

I can't believe this is really happening.

Here comes that Sex and the City line. I think I'm gonna hurl.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
bishopjoey
Aug. 31st, 2009 02:40 pm (UTC)
A couple of +1s there...
He's walled off his feelings to me and there's just no tearing down that wall from the outside.

This rings very true with me regarding a couple of relationships that I've ended. I might even say "there's no tearing down that wall at all."

Also: Yon breakup book has it absolutely right. He's not worthy of your tears, and honestly hasn't been for a while. Married men rarely are - I include my old married self in that list - I hurt a couple of very good people in that period who did not deserve it.

I wish I could take away your hurt.
flamingjune07
Aug. 31st, 2009 02:40 pm (UTC)
He says he still wants to end up married to me but that he doesn't feel like it's fair to string me along like this.


NO. He might have said this in the sweetest way possible, but I seriously cannot envision any circumstance in which saying this isn't just a horribly manipulative attempt to wriggle out of having to feel bad.
flamingjune07
Aug. 31st, 2009 02:42 pm (UTC)
(Sorry, that kind of stuff just makes me so mad).
badrahessa
Aug. 31st, 2009 03:17 pm (UTC)
shit shit shit shit *sigh*

No road is too long with good company, but i'm still very sorry that we are walking the same road right now. I'd so much rather you were given a path less painful.

**hugs**
(Deleted comment)
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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