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The One.

I should be going home -- and I will in a minute. But for right now I want to talk about what's been running through my head all day.

Early this morning, aaronbenedict said something that kind of amounted to I'm not "The One." It wasn't harsh or rude or mean -- It was in the context of the idea of soulmates and what he always perceived his would be like (bottom line: religious. Unlike me).

It's funny. A number of years ago, I actually gave up on the idea of soulmates. I had believed in it for a while, but when I pondered what I wanted then (grey hair, maturity, kindness, calm) versus what I had wanted ten years earlier (hipster Buddy Holly-boy who -- yes -- was Jewish), I realized that if I couldn't make up my mind on what "The One" was supposed to be like, then probably the whole notion was crap. Even now, some of the traits that were absolute musts just a few years ago (being a smoker, for example) are completely nixed from my list now.

It's an evolutionary process. And what are the odds that a person exists out there who is evolving in just the exact same way that I am?

So I had given up on the notion of soulmates. Ironically, until I reconnected with aaronbenedict, that is.

aaronbenedict made me believe that there could be such a thing as soulmates. We were so different -- in our experiences, in our backgrounds -- and yet so alike in the way we perceived ... well, everything. If this boy that I loved 25 years ago could be completely not who I'd expect to find myself with (religiously observant) and I could still love him this much, then maybe this notion of soulmates did make some kind of sense after all.

And now he lays this bombshell at my feet: "The One" that he envisioned is not me.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Hope that he'll change his mind ("evolve") and continue to trudge ahead? Call it quits and give up on the best relationship I've had in my entire adult life?

I realize this is coming off like one of Carrie's columns in Sex and the City but really: How much does it matter that he believes I can be "The One"?

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
vulgarweed
May. 13th, 2009 03:09 am (UTC)
Personally, I think the notion of "The One" is complete horseshit. Particularly the component of that idea that suggests that you can somehow, with any kind of accuracy, imagine up what your "One" is going to be like before you meet him or her.

Most people, unless they're complete misanthropic shut-ins, will meet several potential "ones" over the course of a lifetime. Soulmates become that way by a conscious process.

Otherwise, what if your "one," your soulmate, was born and will live his whole life and die on a remote windswept part of Mongolia and you'll never have a chance of meeting? That would suck! Your pool of "ones" is the people you meet in your life.

Being happy isn't about having what you want. It's about learning to want what you have. (But then, you might not want to take happiness advice from me....)
flamingjune07
May. 13th, 2009 03:17 am (UTC)
Being happy isn't about having what you want. It's about learning to want what you have.

I actually don't like either of those -- no offense. The first is silly for obvious reasons, but the second one gives way to a certain kind of sickly complacency I think. Why can't it be about building something with someone?

Most people, unless they're complete misanthropic shut-ins, will meet several potential "ones" over the course of a lifetime.

FWIW, I'm kind of a misanthropic shut-in a lot of the time and I'm still pretty sure that I, still in my 20s, have already met at least a few "ones" during my life :)
hopita
May. 13th, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
Otherwise, what if your "one," your soulmate, was born and will live his whole life and die on a remote windswept part of Mongolia and you'll never have a chance of meeting?

FWIW, this specific question has troubled me greatly over the years. What if there's this perfect person out there for me, and we don't even speak the same language, let alone live in the same city? If I ever did manage to find them, we wouldn't even be able to communicate. It would be like that Israeli guy who wanted to hit on me in that bar in Jerusalem, only I didn't speak Hebrew, and he didn't speak English. So all we managed to do all night was bum cigarettes off of one another. What if he was my perfect match?!?

Also, you don't have to be a misanthropic shut-in to not go through several "ones" in your lifetime. You could also be an Observant Jew. Just sayin'.
flamingjune07
May. 13th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
I actually really like the first few paragraphs there, in the first section (well, basically all of it until it gets to the part about no premarital "relations" and such). I especially like the not to “love in spite of yourself”, but to love “because of yourself” thing...
hopita
May. 13th, 2009 03:03 pm (UTC)
Well, yea. It's the "Friendship Before Marriage" section that I was pointing toward. No kissing/hand holding/etc., etc. outside of marriage. Pretty hard to encounter several "ones" when you're under that degree of restriction.
ratphooey
May. 13th, 2009 04:50 am (UTC)
I think being able to communicate is a perfect match requirement.
starfall18
May. 17th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
i like the idea of soulmate but i think when it's taken to that extreme, it's ridiculous. you can't have a "perfect match" with someone if you can't communicate! it negates the whole concept, i think.

in my view, having a preconceived notion of what you want in your "one" makes it extremely difficult to enjoy what you can have/build/develop with the REAL people you encounter along the way. i thought the guy i dated in the fall was really damn special, but apparently i didn't fit into his preconceived ideas of what a good girlfriend for him would be like. so he dumped me. oh well.

i think there's something to be said for wanting to be with someone who has similar interests and values as you do--but i think tehre's ALSO something to be said for allowing some of your "must haves" fall by the wayside when you develop a relationship that has EVERYTHING else.
(Deleted comment)
ratphooey
May. 13th, 2009 04:53 am (UTC)
It is not surprising that the married guy who's cheating on his wife might be confused about Ones.
bishopjoey
May. 13th, 2009 07:05 am (UTC)
what ratphooey said...
The fact that AB is married and has been leading a side life with you (with all the right words and such) might mean that he might be a little myopic when it comes to seeing these things clearly.

For example, being religiously observant in an orthodox Jewish context involves a rather confrontational relationship to honesty and fidelity. There's a certain hypocrisy in wanting you to be observant when his observance is so selective.

In my experience there is no "the one" - but perhaps many with whom you can grow, be challenged, and be ecstatic to have in your life on the level of intimate commitment.
hopita
Sep. 4th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
Re: what ratphooey said...
There's a certain hypocrisy in wanting you to be observant when his observance is so selective.

Baby, you said a mouthful.
furious_mold
May. 13th, 2009 01:24 pm (UTC)
When I met the guy who became my husband, I certainly didn't get that "the one" vibe from him. In fact, we had a one night stand and didn't really communicate for a year. The whole time leading up to the moment we decided to do the crazy "let's get married" thing was unexpected. I honestly didn't think I was going to get married when I did. I didn't see that future for myself when I was younger.

I stopped believing in things like "the one" long before that, though. It wasn't that I lowered my expectations, I just decided that it's better to grow - or evolve - with a person you like and get along with. It doesn't have to be a perfect fit or sharing amazingly similar views...for me it's about learning from the other person, teaching them, getting through the hard times, and hoping that we still want to be together as the years go by.

That's where unconditional love comes in - it's something I think is more important than things like "the one".
xpoetcrushx
May. 13th, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
Does he believe his wife is the one? Did he when he married her?

If there is such a thing as "The One," I think it has less to do with a person you envision, because no one can live up to our visions, and more about the deep soul connection you feel with that person. I think that deep soul connection can happen with a few people in our lifetime, and we don't have to hook up with all or any of them.

Relationships are about a lot more than how you either of you feel. A meaningful committed relationship is about trust, communication, friendship, partnership in its deepest sense, and a willingness to make your lives work in sync. Love is a good foundation for all of those things, but love is not all of it. And soul connections can grow over time.

So I think he needs to dispense with this notion of "The One" can get real about his life.

Also, this may be the best relationship you've had in your adult life so far, but if he isn't giving you everything you want (and when you are with someone who is truly compatible with you and your expectations for the relationship, they will) is this the best relationship possible?
(Deleted comment)
hopita
Sep. 4th, 2009 04:26 pm (UTC)
I really hope this isn't a relationship in which he indefinitely justifies not leaving his wife because you're not Jewish enough or whatever.

:: sigh ::
(Deleted comment)
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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