"Dude! Look out! I think the dinosaurs are back!"

As yet another April 24th fades into memory, I thought I'd write down a few other things that I remember.

( The Accident )

( Greta )

( The Van )

( Tanya's Eyes )

Twenty-two years ago today was the worst day of my life.

Because last night's post seems to have struck a chord, I wanted to talk a bit more about fat, fat shaming, and the old trope of hiding behind so-called "health concerns" to cover up plain old-fashioned looksism.

I started to deconstruct the awfulness that is this poster, but let's talk about it some more:

The poster says "Portions have grown. So has obesity, which can lead to many health problems." First of all, there's the word "can." "[O]besity ... can lead to many health problems." Not that it does, mind you. Just that it can. You know what else can lead to health problems? Being underweight. Or being a so-called "normal" weight, but eating nothing but crap.

Which leads me to the assumptions that this ad makes, with its imagery of fast food french fries and an extra large woman, climbing the stairs. One of my previous commenters categorized her as an "overweight [person] being miserable on a subway staircase." If you can't see her face, how do you know she's miserable? Hint: It's because that ad is seeking to perpetuate exactly that stereotype -- that fat equals unhealthy.

It makes me think about the recent story about the British teenager whose diet consisted solely of McNuggets. To quote from the article I just linked:

... According to the Mail, Irvine has suffered from breathing problems, anemia, and inflamed veins due to her diet., and recently was rushed to the hospital after she collapsed...

It's also inspired timely commentary from health "experts." Last week, a PR agency pitched me a story pegged to Irvine's collapse. A "weight loss specialist" could be made available to "comment on the dangers of Stacey's addiction" and "speak to the dangers of childhood obesity." The doctor in question has "specialized in the study and treatment of Bariatric Medicine" and has "directed the operation of multiple Weight Loss Centers."

Thanks, but according to the gratuitous Daily Mail glamour shots, Irvine is thin. Her health problems are not related to obesity, and they won't be solved by stapling her stomach. Yet we're so culturally hardwired to believe that unhealthy equals fat and vice versa that even photographic evidence (full-body photographs of Irvine were attached to the PR email) isn't enough to break the habit.

Wait ... what?!? Eating nothing but McNuggets did cause health problems, but didn't cause obesity? Why, it's almost as if what mattered was her diet, and not her appearance!

The NYC Health Department has another ad campaign, this one targeting daily caloric intake. It's certainly a much better campaign that the Portion Size campaign, although I still think it falls short of the mark.

Who here remembers the movie Super Size Me? Quick show of hands: Who thinks the culprit to Morgan Spurlock's deteriorating health was probably the incredibly low quality of McDonald's "food"? If it doesn't decompose, it shouldn't be considered food.

So while I'm glad to see a campaign that doesn't resort to fat shaming, I still think that the Caloric Intake campaign misses the mark. Have you heard of The Vermont Prison Study? In a nutshell, participants in the study were fed up to 10,000 calories a day in an attempt to make them gain weight. "Researchers were surprised during the “fattening up” portion of the study when they found that some of the inmates couldn’t gain more than 18% of their body weight, even when eating 10,000 calories a day." Ten thousand calories a day, and they still couldn't make skinny people fat.

Maybe it's because a person's size has to do with not only diet and activity level but also age, and metabolism, and genetics, and probably other factors too. Good luck shaming somebody out of their genetics.

So I got into a fight on the train. That was fun. I sat down next to a woman who was in the mood to do some fat shaming. It happens from time to time. Being a woman of a certain size, I take up a certain amount of space. Occasionally, people don't like to share, and feel compelled to yell at me and my "fat ass" for sitting too close to them. Whatev.

The thing that surprised me was how little I cared. I sat down, and this woman said something snarky about my "fat ass." And I turned, looked her in the eye, and calmly said "fuck you." She started getting riled and proudly announced that I didn't know what kind of an asshole she could be if she was so inclined (I may not know, but I've got a pretty good guess). I said she started it, she said no, I started it by touching her when I sat down (she was taking two seats, BTW, and had ample space next to her to slide over. And yes, it *was* the only empty seat on the train). I let her have the last word, and that was the end of that.

And it struck me: Sure, I was pissed, but I wasn't really mad -- mostly, I just didn't give a shit. Not scared, not fuming, no blood pressure surging -- just calmly refusing to let some douchenozzle treat me like crap.

It's been that way for a while now. Remember when I broke up with aaronbenedict? I called him on the phone, told him that it was over, talked for a bit, and then said goodbye and went to class. Made it through class with only a few momentary lapses in concentration, too. A handful of friends called or emailed in the days following to make sure that I was OK, and I was. I was fine.

Is this perimenopause? Are fading hormones calming my once unpredictable emotions? Or maybe it's just getting older. I kinda feel like I have seen it all at this point. Or maybe something else? I don't know.

But you know what did piss me off? ( Cut for your tax dollars, hard at work shaming fat people )

It was just incredibly ironic timing, that I would be staring at one of those "Yo! Ugly fatty!" ads at the same time that some obnoxious bitch would feel the need to yell at me for taking up more space that she personally feels that I deserve. I said it once tonight, and I'll say it again: Fuck you.

Screencaps of my illustrious Law & Order: SVU debut:

( Picspam ahoy! )

Why is this not working?

Just a reminder that my latest episode of Law & Order: SVU will be airing tonight on NBC. I, of course, will miss it, because I have tickets to see Jill Sobule, and I doubt I'll be able to get back to Brooklyn in time. So it's up to you guys to let me know if I make it onto the air. I'm in the beach press conference scene -- the scene they've been showing in the commercials. I'm in the back row of the "moms" group, holding a framed photo. Fingers crossed!

I don't suppose I should feel surprised that Whitney Houston's death has stirred all of this up for me again. I did feel a bit surprised when I cheered for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie when I watched the news earlier today. Politics make strange bedfellows, I suppose.

Chris Christie's been getting a lot of flak this week. And not the usual fat-bashing that we've come to know and loathe. This week he's been getting shit because he's ordered New Jersey flags flown at half-staff on Saturday in honor of Whitney Houston's funeral.

There's the "Whitney Who?" meme floating around facebook. Nevermind that Chris Christie has *also* flown flags at half-staff for every New Jersey soldier and police officer who died during his time in office. He also flew the flag at half staff when New Jerseyian Clarence Clemmons died last summer. Where was the outrage then?

No, the outrage is all about drugs. Like Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston was widely known to have addiction issues, so she's a disgrace. A quick search of "whitney flag" on public facebook posts turns up gems like "Fuck new jersey and fuck Whitney houston what a disgrace to the american flag flying it at half staff for a druggie bitch one more reason to get jersey out" and "So idk if you all know about this bullshit half ass idea our lovely governor came up with for tomorrow, put your flags at half mass in remembering of Whitney Houston...the sell out crack head who hasn't 'entertained in like 20 years... ".

I'm a former drug addict. I've never tried to hide this fact. In fact, I am more than willing to discuss it, openly. This RIGHT HERE is yet another example of why recovered drug addicts need to COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, because much like queer folk, we, too, are everywhere. I have no intention of outing anybody specifically, but I will tell you that among my facebook friends there are former drug addicts who have gone on to marry and raise families, former drug addicts who have gotten advanced degrees, addicts who hold down jobs and own property, pay their taxes and contribute to society. To claim that Houston's addictions negate her success and her contributions is to tell each and every one of us that the things that we've achieved mean nothing and will never mean anything because of A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE.

Chris Christie nailed it. He said "I am disturbed by people who believe that because her ultimate demise — and we don't know what is the cause of her death yet — but because of her history of substance abuse that somehow she's forfeited the good things that she did in her life..." Thank you, Governor Christie, for refusing to let the illness define the woman. Thank you for remembering that that "druggie bitch" was somebody's daughter, and somebody's mother. Thank you for standing up and refusing to be one of the many who loved "the sell out crack head" when she was on top, but hate her now that she's shown herself to be less than perfect. I have never been prouder of you.

(Now if you could just sign that gay marriage bill into law, I'd really be in your corner. The fact that you've moved your position from "no" to "maybe" is a step in the right direction at least.)

From http://www.tv-links.eu/tv-shows/Law--and--Order--SVU_8877/season_13/episode_15/

Law & Order: SVU Season 13, Episode 15
Episode Name: Hunting Ground
Air date: 2/22/2012
Summary: Detective Benson and Executive ADA Haden’s romantic weekend is interrupted by news that an underage prostitute has gone missing. As the SVU detectives dig into her disappearance, they find a pattern of several missing escorts who all posted ads on a popular newspaper’s website. The line between Benson and Haden’s personal and professional lives starts to blur as the squad races against the clock to find the girl before it’s too late

As a reminder, I'm in the scene where Harry Connick, Jr. is speaking to the press. I won't know until it airs if I'll be visible or not. If I make the cut, I'll be in the crowd, wearing a grey sweater.

In the background, at 0:17. I'll have to wait until he posts the full episode before I'll know if my question made it onto the air or not.

Anderson walks past me at 1:04.

You can see me in the background at 0:43. I missed the show today (because I was out on a job interview, so with good reason), so I'm just now watching it via these tiny little clips. I'll post more as I find them.

We filmed Season 13, Episode 15. It's not listed on the Law & Order: SVU IMDb page yet, though I'm sure it will appear soon. One of the PAs told me the name of the episode, but I've already forgotten what it was. Something Law & Order-sounding, for sure.

I'm in the scene where Harry Connick, Jr.'s character is speaking to the press. I was standing fairly close to him. Yes, he is very pretty.

More info (like air dates) when I have it (judging from the other episodes on the IMDb page, I would guess late February).

As always, hope to see me on TV, but expect me to get cut. No way of knowing which will happen until it airs.

Yea, my scene was totally cut. It doesn't even appear in the "Deleted Scenes" section of the website, that's how cut it is.

This is it! My episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit will be airing TONIGHT, Wednesday, January 11, 2012, at 10:00 pm EST. My scene is supposed to be before the opening credits, so if the titles roll and you haven't seen me, you're probably not going to. Until it airs I'm not going to know if you'll be able to see me or not, so apologies in advance if you sit down looking for me and I'm never onscreen. Alternately, I could be totally 100% "OMG That's Her!" featured -- I have no clue.

I've already made mention of this over on facebook (are we facebook friends? If not, we should be), but it looks like my episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit will be airing tomorrow evening, Wednesday, January 11, 2012. To the best of my knowledge, my scene comes before the opening credits; if the titles roll and you haven't seen me, it most likely means that I got cut. This is very possible, BTW, as my scene had something like eight groups of people in it. I could be featured, I could be totally in the way back, or I could be not onscreen at all.

I'll try to remember to post reminders tomorrow as well.

Hey all you parents out there. Merry December Holiday Season. I bet a bunch of you have kids visiting from out of town, quite possibly kids you haven't seen in a long time. Probably some of those kids got fat. Probably some of those kids were already fat the last time you saw them, but, like we established, maybe that was a long time ago.

I'm sure it's too late for most of you, but for the handful of parents who haven't started criticizing their kids' waistlines yet, I have a few words of advice:

1. Unconditional Love. Remember how you were supposed to love your kids unconditionally, no matter what -- even if they murdered somebody? Yeah, well, that should cover "even if they're fat" too. When you launch into criticisms the moment they walk through the door, it can definitely feel like "wow -- even my own Mom hates me." Do you want your kids to feel that way? Then knock it off. You're the PARENTS, for crying out loud. You're supposed to make them feel like even if everybody else on the planet bails, YOU will still be there.

Which leads me to 2. The guise of being helpful. Every news story says that skinny = good and fat = bad. Guess what: Jews know that there's another deity named Jesus, and fat people know that the culture would really prefer if they were skinny. It's not news. We know. We also know some things that conveniently get left off of the evening news, like the fact that 95% of all restricted calorie diets fail at the five year mark. Who here has ever lost 25 lbs. or more through restricting calories and increasing exercise? I see a lot of hands. Who kept if off for six months or longer? A few hands have gone down. Who kept it off for more than a year? More than two years? More than five? If any of you still have your hand raised, congratulations, you are among the lucky 5%. For the rest of you, ask yourself this: How would you feel if your doctor recommended a course of action that only had a 5% success rate? Yeah, I don't like those odds either.

So parents, when your kid walks through the door, don't pile on to all of the things you want to change about them. Give them a hug, welcome them home, and ask them about their lives. Who knows -- maybe they might even feel motivated to visit more often.

I posted this over on facebook, but I haven't really gotten any useful responses, so I thought I'd ask here as well:

It looks like I may have the chance to ask Madonna a question this week. Questions are vetted ahead of time, which means 1.) I kind of need to think of one now, and 2.) it needs to be good enough to get chosen, though, of course, 3.) it should also something I'd want to ask. Asking her for a kiss, or asking how many men she's fellated (the only two questions posted on my fb thus far) are not going to cut it.

So if you were me, what would you ask Madonna? Some of my thoughts:

1. About her kids: How would she feel about them getting into show business? (Groan ... everybody asks that), or about her youngest kids specifically: How does she feel about adoption law, international adoption law, the US not ratifying the Convention on the Rights of the Child because of pressure from anti-choice groups, etc.

2. About her new movie: It's about Wallis Simpson, which is a fascinating choice, IMO. I did some googling, and found a lot of ranty crap about Simpson being a Nazi-sympathizer. I don't want to get into that (and really, I mainly keep finding the same photo of her shaking hands with Hitler, which could easily be ascribed to pre-WWII politicking and not some sort of fascism on Simpson's part), but I did ponder asking about her response to those particular critics. Or just a general question about the origins of her fascination with Wallis (which seems an obvious answer: Madonna, too, was a scandalous American married to a Brit, and she's already said how floored she was by the vitriol people spewed in response to the mere mention of Simpson in the UK).

3. The old standby: What's your advice to someone trying to break into the industry, blah blah blah, gush, fawn, etc.

Thoughts?

The scene:
A kosher vegan Chinese restaurant. I'm enjoying my birthday dinner when my cell phone rings. It's my Dad. We briefly have our usual conversation (Dad: Is everything OK? Me: Yes. Dad: What took you song long to answer the phone? Me: ??? Dad: Is everything OK? Etc., etc., etc.). Then he starts talking about Pittsburgh:

Dad: I want you to come to Pittsburgh.
Me: OK.
Dad: ... permanently.
Me: Uh ...
Dad: I don't know why you won't move back to Pittsburgh.
Me: Because I want to be successful.
Dad: You can be successful in Pittsburgh. And it's easier, because there are less people here.
Me: That's not ... you just ... ::headtable::

From that point on I was dumbstruck by my inability to articulate that he had essentially made my point for me. I want to be a fabulous writer. I am by far the most fabulous writer in this room (given that the choices are between me and my cat, Muchi). I'm the best writer in this apartment -- maybe even in this whole apartment building. Does that mean I'm successful?

"My Life: A Cautionary Tale"


via vulgarweed

Yeah, no.

I had to google what it meant. Gross.

It's official: I find this contest super annoying. I should probably be focusing on my real writing homework anyway.

The first three words that came to my mind when I read this week's prompt: Occupy Wall Street.

It's kind of awesome, this little movement that could. I remember when it began. I'd only heard about it from Vince. For those who know Vince, he's an aging hippie/yippie who's very much a fixture back in my hometown. If there's something that needs protesting, or something that he can chain himself to, you can bet that Vince will be there. So getting facebook invites from Vince didn't exactly make me expect that this was going to be the movement to watch. Boy was I wrong.

It began around the same time as Rosh Hashana, and I was not there in the early days primarily because I had other things to do. Classes. Shows. I missed Day 1 because I was on the other side of Lower Manhattan, performing with the NYC Gay Men's Chorus in a mini flashmob. And then something funny happened around the time that the cops moved in to bust some heads and put an end to this thing: People started to take notice.

Maybe it was the memory of Egypt last February, or more recent demonstrations in Libya. Either way, the press went (and I'm stealing this joke from John Stewart) from "blackout" to "circus." Suddenly, there was Geraldo in his leather jacket, his windswept moustache glistening in the light of the TV camera.

Maybe it's because I'm still somewhat traumatized from my own trip to jail, but I've not really spent any time down there. I went to the Occupy Times Square demo, but snuck away before they started bashing heads in earnest.

Last night, on my way home from the Matthew Sweet show, I very randomly ran into holzman and his wife on the subway platform. They were coming from Occupy Wall Street, having been there with Steampunk Emma Goldman. I'm starting to feel less than noble for my lack of participation. I'm thinking I need to be doing more than just signal boosting online.

I didn't make that post card, but I could have (well, I could have two years ago. I'm 40 now, going on 41). It appears on this week's PostSecret post, and I am horrified by how many people have already leapt up to say that looking down on people who can't cook is absolutely A-OK.

You know what? Fuck you, that's what.

As I said in the one non-judgmental thread, growing up, my Mom worked full time, and my Dad didn't cook. We had Stouffer's and Lean Cuisine for every meal. My Mom makes Lean Cuisine spaghetti for crying out loud. It wasn't until college that I even knew that not everyone lived like that. I thought making meals from scratch was something that only fake moms like Carol Brady and Shirley Partridge did. In college, I saw people making meals from ingredients and I was floored. I seriously didn't know that people really did that. Not on a daily basis, at any rate (my Mom could make a fancy recipe for a holiday dinner, but that was a Special Occasion).

So here I am, 20 years later. Yes, I can cook some things. I can do grilled cheese, and various egg things (scrambled, fried, et al). But if you gave me tomatoes and onions and a bunch of other similar ingredients, the only thing I could reliably create would be a sandwich of some sort. And I am beyond horrified that apparently that means I'm worthy of ridicule. I'm sure there are lots of people who don't know how to do certain things because they were never taught as children, whether cooking or sewing or whatever. But if there's one thing I've learned from everything I've read about being fat, it's that it's NEVER OK to judge somebody else for their food choices, and that you should NEVER allow anybody to do it to you.

So to everyone in that post who wants to judge others for eating processed foods: FUCK YOU.

OMG I just figured out how to do sketch comedy writing classes and still have a life: Write stuff ahead of time! Through all my other classes, I'd been waiting for the assignments, and then frantically cranking out the work each week while trying to look for a job, hang out with friends, do whatever else needed doing, etc. Yesterday, it finally dawns on me that when I have an idea I should just sit down and crank out a first draft -- doesn't have to be perfect, or even complete, but just to have it written. Then, when I get an assignment, viola! I don't have to reinvent the wheel. I can just do the much less time consuming task of rewriting something that I already took the first swing at. OMG why didn't I think of this before? I've already got two out of three ideas written, and I think they're both funny to boot. Class doesn't even start until tomorrow and I'm already prepared through the first three weeks. How awesome is that?

I've been meaning to write about this for a week or so now. Part of what's held me back is that it's just so mind-numbingly over-the-top hideous that it's kind of hard to know where to start. Let's start with this quote:

“For women, frump isn’t funny any longer. The new female comedian has to be the sexual aggressor, sexually provocative, dominant and successful," says entertainment expert Patrick Wanis. "Hollywood is now portraying women as the dominant force – the boss, the rescuer, the heroine, the hunter. Now women are being sexually provocative and sexually aggressive, rude and funny without the femininity or the class. Lucille Ball would never have played the aggressive, domineering nymphomaniac that Jennifer Aniston portrayed in ‘Horrible Bosses.’"

I, for one, think it's a good thing that Lucille Ball wasn't playing "aggressive, domineering nymphomaniac[s]." Are aggressive, domineering nymphomaniacs funny? Because I think most people will agree that Lucille Ball was funny. Also, everything I've heard points to Horrible Bosses being a terrible movie.

Last night, I went to see a screening of Miss Representation (those of you with cable TV should check it out on Oprah's network this evening). One of the concepts that this movie crystallized for me was that of "the fighting fuck-toy." The term was coined by Occidental College associate professor Caroline Heldman to describe the female heroes of action films who are supposedly empowered, but who are dressed and presented in a way more akin to inflatable dolls than powerful heroes (see Lara Croft, Catwoman, Charlie's Angels, et al). I don't remember who asked the question initially, but who would wear those outfits if they were planning on kicking butt and saving the world? Who in their right mind prefers to fight crime while wearing a push up bra and stilettos?

For me, it's yet another disheartening reminder that the thing I love (movies, film, television, comedy) is still very much a boy's club. It's a lot of why I burned out on production work a decade ago. I started out, fresh from film school, in 1992. I was going to change the world, or at least the film industry. My first mission was the electrical department. See, the electrical department is one of the most entrenched boys-only clubs in the production business. The next time you're at a movie or watching a DVD, stick around for the credits. Look to see if you see any female names under the headings of "Gaffer," "Grip," or "Electric." The IMDb page is less than complete, but even Miss Representation only had one or maybe two female grips listed. As a matter of fact, do you know what they call the head assistant in the Grip and Electric departments? "Best Boy." Seriously.

I have one single "grip" credit to my name: "Solstice" (which was a great crew to be on, BTW. I have very strong memories of the knowledgeable electrics being very willing to teach the novice grips). My next gig (whose name I have blocked out), I was a Production Assistant ("PA"). I showed up on the first day and was told to go make coffee. More recently, a month or so ago I volunteered to help Upright Citizens Brigade get UCBeast ready for opening night. I walked in to find the all-male crew hanging lights and painting walls. "I'm here to help!" I declared. They showed me to the vacuum cleaner.

In both of those cases I did what I was directed to do, but in both of those cases (and neither, sadly, were isolated incidents) I found it profoundly disheartening. UCB is one of the few (if not the only) places in comedy where being a woman doesn't mean I'm in the overwhelming minority. I'm well aware that I seem to have chosen yet another boy's club to try to break into.

And now FoxNews, that bastion of equality, has declared that it's a happy happy day, because the new Hollywood comediennes "all combine funny bones with bangin’ bodies." "Hollywood doesn’t want a woman that is not sexually enticing like Rosie [O'Donnell]," they declare (I'm guessing Rosie's not a virgin anymore, so presumably she's sexually enticing to someone). But my favorite quote has to be this one:

"People are realizing that you don’t have to have a penis to tell a joke about one."

Because it is all about the penis, right?

Oh dear.

I've committed myself to participating in therealljidol and already I want to bail. See, the very first topic is "When you pray, move your feet." Now, I understand that this is a proverb and that it shouldn't necessarily be taken literally, but ... ugh. I've been single for a little more than two weeks now and one of the great things about no longer dating a religious person is that I can shovel all of that God-type-stuff right out the door. This morning (as an example) I realized that I no longer had to keep my iTunes crammed full of Matisyahu. I am now free to admit that when I hear him say "the eventual building up of the third temple that we're waiting for," my gut reaction is "are you SERIOUS?!? You really take that crap LITERALLY?!?"

So when I pray ... well, I don't. And when I hear other people talk about praying I think that they're mentally ill. It's mythology, people. It's not real. And when you indoctrinate your children to believe that it is real (like I'm sure all those wig-wearing, baby-bearing, Orthodox ladies that I see at Target are busy doing), in my opinion it's a form of child abuse. You're teaching your children to waste their lives by focusing on a bunch of arbitrary and ridiculous rules designed to keep some invisible boogeyman in the sky happy. The fact that otherwise intelligent (I'm looking at you, Dr. Sharon Moalem) people fall prey to this superstition just boggles my mind.

So move your feet, sure. But pray? Thanks, but no thanks.

Damn it.

My realtor has finally come up with a house in Polish Hill for me, and it's the worst possible timing. Well, maybe not the worst timing, but I've got no job, almost no savings, I just signed a new one-year lease on my current (New York) apartment, and I've just signed up for another round of classes at UCB as well.

Why couldn't she have found me a Polish Hill house a year ago?

I'm signal boosting 1withthe99, which is the syndication of this fantastic site.

Motivated by elionwyr, I have signed myself up for therealljidol. I have to admit, after having scrolled through several pages of links about it, I don't fully understand what the fuck that means. Do I have to write a certain number of public posts every day/week/month? Who the fuck knows. Every FAQ is about how joining will let you win friends and influence people.

But what the heck -- let's see what happens.

This came to me by way of bishopjoey, badrahessa, and several others:

When women participate in their own subjugation. I see women on TV play stupid and wear next to nothing and allow themselves to be paraded around as ornamentation, only existing for the excitation and pleasure of the male viewer. How does a woman apply for a job at Hooters when she knows that the exchange for the tips and paycheck is her dignity? How do the stars of the new Playboy TV show handle knowing that the men they parade around in front of think of them as something less than human, an "entertainment item," to be used and then discarded. How did the real life "bunnies" deal with that? I actually knew a woman who was a former Playboy Restaurant Bunny, back when I lived in Chicago. She became a junkie and a prostitute, and died from AIDS in the late-90s. She gave me a small box of her earrings, which I still have. She was warm and kind, but always very, very sad.

Try as I might to wrap my head around it, it just makes no sense to me when women are active participants in their own subjugation and degradation.